The Writing on my Hands

100th and the Last.

2009-01-09T23:46:00.007-07:00

Okay I have been contemplating this a bunch, but I think I am for sure going to start a new and different blog, I need a new start, I don't know, this is starting to get stagnant.
but I need a name so if anyone has suggestions, I used all my creative energy up coming up with The Writing on My Hands,
please help me, if you're one of my readers from the beginning then you probably know something about me and can come up with a great name.

EDIT: I just read every thing I have posted over the last few months, and the few lovely comments I have received, it made me a bit sad, I saw how much I changed, how my writing's changed, what I like and what I focus on, seeing this change has been one of the best parts of blogging, but I see the change stop, I see a regression in my self throughout the last few weeks and I think I need something new and fresh with out expectations or anything to judge it against, in need something with potential, and this I think is the reason that I am starting over, I hope that some of you will join me on my new journey in the lovely blogospear, I have truly loved these last few months, so I guess, lets do it again.

Mariah E.F.

One Hundred and One Faces

2009-01-07T17:19:00.002-07:00

2009-01-06T22:48:00.001-07:00

There is an epic amount of stress right now,
I will be neglecting my blog for the next month, or two,
sorry readers.

It's a Miracle Big Enough to Make all of us Born Again Christians

2009-01-02T16:50:00.006-07:00

me: Would you like to go on a goodwill expedition with me and the mother?
dad: Whoah not waiting to start your new years resolutions huh?
me: No we're just shopping, not spreading goodwill, unless helping the economy counts.
dad: Oh I got you, no I am already booked all day with the vacuum.

Thrifting yesterday was almost an utter disaster, my local goodwill is stocked with all the unsold stuff from target, all the terrible opps overstocks completely dominate every section.
that was until I found IT. the vintage Dooney & Bourke.
at first I didn't ask to get it out of the case thinking it was going to be too much for the $15 dollars in my pocket, but after pacing the store a few times I decided to check it out. It's pretty beaten up and clearly its previous owner loved it very much, but this ware and tear makes it so much more amazing. the picture does not show all of its glory.

the final price tag? $5.36 including tax.
the perfect start to the new year.
I sort of wish it was bigger or had longer straps, but I really have no right to complain.

Thursday January first, two thousand and nine

2009-01-01T00:04:00.002-07:00

You want to know how I spent new years eve?
Siting at home alone, watching re-runs of Project Runway on YouTube. yay!
haha not.
My plans fell out at the last minute and when I called all my friends to see if I could join in on their plans it was too late.
I didn't get invited to a party, not because I wasn't wanted there, my friend was said "oh didn't you get my text? I was wondering where you where? oh yeah, you don't have a phone. sorry, can you still come?"
No I couldn't go, I didn't have a ride, no one could come give me one, and riding my bike ten miles downtown at ten o'clock down on new years eve? What a better way to get rapped, mugged, killed, or kidnapped.

hmmm my mood to start off the new year? bitter.
mannn I need some new friends, or a Mobile, that would be nice as well.

Well basically the first season of project runway is amazing, my favorites Austin and Jay, the bodice that Jay did in the Banana Republic challenge, that was amazing, amazing, amazing. and every one of Austins pieces have been spectacular.

It's been a few hours and mostly I've gotten over my crap night, whatever, it's a whole new year, happy 2009!

bleep, bloob, blarge

2008-12-31T16:10:00.003-07:00

I'm starting a live journal I think.
hmm.
maybe.
my mom got her self a digital camera for Christmas, and my dad now has a web cam in his work lap top.
this means I have the ability to take pictures, witch means I can now have a personal style blog, but with a focus on the things I sew myself.
maybe.

I would enjoy some input on what my new blog should be called.
it might be on blogger still, probably, so strike the live journal idea.
I think I will delete this blog, no just kidding I am too attached.
I want to some days, but I can't.
I fell a bit insane at the moment.
I'm counting down the moments till 2009,
but the truth is that I hate when people say, oh well this will be different because it's a new year.
it won't be though, it's just tomorrow, just another day, so the fact that the day has a new title doesn't make it different.
you do.

so just do something about it.
I have loads of built up energy.
I feel like I could run 10 miles, maybe I will.
I will. today's the day to change things.
maybe, it's scary, though not as fright inducing as the alternative.

does this post make sense, I'm thinking no.
oh well, I just typed what ever came into my mind,
but for reals I need ideas on a new name for a new blog.
I'm off to run, to stop thinking, to let go.

well then.

2008-12-30T18:55:00.003-07:00

I think I might take the next few weeks off from blogging.
Five days till school starts again, mann, I still have to finish (and by that I mean start) my winter assignments.
Such as reading A Whole New Mind by Daniel Pink.
My class is having a nice little discussion with him about his book and the ideas that a brought up in it, this is happening sometime in the next couple of weeks.
So far I have read the first 7 pages, wow. only a million and a half more to go.

But I need to focus on school and such right now, so I'll be pretty scarce until I get back into the swing of things.

Hmm, I have this idea, I'll tell you about it in another post, maybe on Friday?
I'll get to it soon.

I guess you could call this my third new year's post.

2008-12-29T23:46:00.002-07:00

with two days and 13 minutes to go till 2009, I think my new years post is due.
last new years was I guess the start of something new, the new confident fashionable, happy me.

my friend had black tie masquerade party, I wore a lovely little green and blue silk mini dress with elbow length tie sleeves, some little quilted flats and a silver mask with peacock feathers.
the dress was one of the first things that I made and really loved to wear. but that night while dancing with all my friends hidden behind my mask, in such a great dress, I felt infinite. there is no other way to describe it, it is true what they say about when people wear a mask they show more of their true self. I was me that night, that party inspired my over lying philosophy of 2008. find my self. I kept a journal for part of the last year, mostly on days I felt terrible or I felt great, every single one of those entries was about being my self, being trapped, or feeling free. I kept saying if only I could just get out of this town, get out of this school, meat new people, I kept thinking that if I was around people who didn't know me then I would find myself.
looking back on it, after school ended and I was free from the confining halls of middle school, I spent my summer working at a camp. I met people that I never would have, and now have the strongest friends of my life. I was honest this summer, with my self, and others, and mostly that helped me be comfortable with me.
my last entry in that journal was in September, right before I started this blog, I don't remember writing this or feeling it, but I wrote of my fear, I was becoming the lost person I was, and it felt like everything I became over the summer was the lie, because I was slipping back into old habits old thoughts.
I don't feel that anymore, I feel infinite again.
I know that having other people around me doesn't make me act like my self, it's my inner strength. I learned through this year that no one is going to make me who I want to be, it's me, and I have to stop wishing and waiting, and just do what ever it is that I want.
I'm doing pretty good right now, most of my fear and everything else that has held me back is gone, but I need this to continue, so this brings my philosophy of 2009.
be fearless, make an impact, and make some great memories.

fearless, it's easy to say that now, I am sitting in my house, relaxed after a couple weeks of vacation, I hope that I can still be fearless, feel infinite back at school.
I think I can, gosh that sounds like that story of the little train, remember that?
I know I can.

For my friends this I believe essay she wrote of her undying human spirit and inner strength, this year I realize I had one, next year I won't be afraid of it.

I have grown this last year, so 2009 should be even better.

this is my mantra for '09:
I am strong, I am me, I am the best me, not because I am better than others or perfect, it is because I am fearless and free.

it is not intentional that it rhymes, but sorta nice.

2008-12-29T00:37:00.002-07:00

if I could own any of these watches I think my life would be complete. especially the first one.

images thanks to oobject.

2008-12-28T23:21:00.003-07:00

I don't really know about anything at the moment and I would take the time to type it all and try to figure it not but frankly, there's a large part of my that doesn't care.
I suck at this whole blogging thing recently.
my deepest apologies.
I'll try to write more, or at least something more meaningful.

2008-12-25T23:42:00.001-07:00

Christmas was a good one this year,
that's all I have to say right now,
I need to think about some stuff I'll get back to you on what I decide.

2008-12-22T14:27:00.003-07:00

I am.

there will be another time

2008-12-20T22:41:00.003-07:00

I believe in selective hearing, not in the negative way of you only hear what you what to hear, but I believe that your subconscious focuses you in the direction that you need to be, and makes you hear more of what you need to.
okay well I just re-read that and it sounds a bit too Freudian for me so let my put it a different way.
have you ever learned a new vocabulary word and right after the first time you learned it you hear it all the time? I seriously doubt that this is because people are saying it more, it's just it's sorta on your mind so you pick it out in normal conversations and reading more.
does this happen to you, or is it just me?

okay well on my lovely orientation day way back in august some one talked all about participating and living life, basically he said stuff to the same effect as what Sam tells Charlie in the end of The Perks of Being a Wallflower about how he needs to do what he wants and actually live. sorry for all the references to this book but I just finished listening to the audio version of it, and I guess I really connected to it. also you should probably read it, because it's really goooodd. well okay back to the point, also a few weeks ago this motivational speaker came to our school, and his whole thing was all about how especially in high school you lose your self and become part of the crowd, he said this one thing that really struck me about how when you are in elementary school your hands were always in the air waving even when you didn't know the answer, but now you barely raise your hand above your head, and you only do when you are certain of your answer. the raw enthusiasm is gone, the will to learn and try for no other reason than yourself, and have you noticed that when your little nothing matters the labels that are put on people, rich, poor, cool, lame, none of those exist till later. my favorite picture ever is in my first grade year book, it's of two kids that I have gone to school with forever, kissing, fast-forward and now the girl's hair is purple and she is quite "indie" and the boy is playing varsity football and is I guess a "jock". I'm still pretty close with both of them and when I showed them this picture we talked about how strange it is because they haven't really talked in a few years, and probably the only thing keeping them from being best friends is their labels. I know I have stoped hanging out with people because I didn't think they were cool enough, I see them in the halls sometimes and start to wave, but then remember that I sorta ruined our friendship a few years back. I feel terrible about this.

if there is one label I want it's "girl who talks to everyone, girl that does whatever she wants, girl that is nice to everyone"
I think I'll start working towards that, because I want that to be my reputation by the time I leave the halls of high school.

okay to sum up this nice post I'll finish with what I started with selective hearing, I keep hearing the same themes over and over again in everything, "don't be afraid of living, don't let labels hold you back, get out there." I think this is because it's what I need to hear, I would probably have gained a different lesson from those books and speeches if I didn't.

let's just see how this turns out.

2008-12-19T23:17:00.005-07:00

Well here is that deep reflective post everyone. it may or may not be as deep as you hoped for seeing as I am typing it all about eleven at night and I’m really tired.

so basically I can already tell that this is going to be long and rambling, you might want to put on some warm socks and grab some tea, or if its warm grab a few Popsicles and eat a orange on for me.

People start making new years resolutions at this time of year, but for me the year is split into three parts, first semester, second semester and summer. So I make resolutions at the beginnings of each new time period. Here are my resolutions for second semester, but mostly they aren't about school, because all than about two of them were about school last time and that sorta messed up some things for me.
There was that show on a while ago I think it only lasted a few episodes on network TV and now its on myspace TV, but I liked it, and ultimately I think it’s what first put the idea of blogging into my head and what makes me more scared than anything that what I write in this blog is going to get me in trouble, Quarterlife it was called, the name made me think of what I read or heard some where about how there are midlife crises that happen in people's 50's and quarterlife crises that happen when your 25ish and then eightlife crises that happen when you are in high school. the show also made me think of other things, also the book Perks of being a wall flower makes me think of this, but when I watched this show something in it made me think, I have the same thoughts as someone out there, and someone else has though these things and gone through what I have gone through, and instead of feeling comforted by that, I felt scared and worthless, because what is the point, with so many people in the world how is one person ever going to do anything different and useful because even if you don’t do it someone else is bound to do it. people are replaceable, maybe not individuals but ideas, what people contribute and after your gone and all the people who personally knew you are gone then its pretty much like you weren’t here, even if you make a massive impact on life, and history, someone was bound to be thinking the same thing and the same things would have gotten accomplished at some point. so basically I was thinking of this and thinking of the eightlife crisis that I’m bound to have, and then I thought, why should I wait until after I realize that I lost myself until I start looking for who I am, I had this idea in the back of my head for a while, to find my self before I have the chance to lose myself, it wasn’t really a conscious effort and I only realize it now that I think about it, but I’ve been checking out a lot of self help books, reading inspirational novels, doing everything I can to find who I am, and yet in all of this searching I am no closer to who I am. I guess I set off on this little journey focused on who I wanted to be, who I had the potential to be, I wanted to change my self instead of just be myself, so now that I realize all of this I need to go in a different direction before I tell you my resolutions.
mann I did say I wasn’t going to talk about parents or family on this blog but I fell like I need to. my family is not close, we talk to each other for only a few reasons, we need a ride some where, chores need to be done, talking about dinner and grocery shopping, school and grades, and pretty much every one of those conversations end in some screaming and crying and there are always too many broken dishes and holes in the walls. don’t get my wrong, I like my family, I love them mostly, just spending more than 10 minutes talking about my day in the car ride home is sorta hard, we went to counseling a few years ago, that just turned in to two hour blame sessions trying to get a third party to be on our own side. We don’t really talk other than to yell at each other for leaving stuff around the house or for being late or something like that. It’s not so bad really you are going to have to believe me; I don’t come from a broken home, just one that’s a bit dysfunctional. My sister doesn’t really understand this, for she grew up as an only child till she was ten and has great relationships with both the parentals, my brother understands it more than anything, he’s had it harder than me, the pressure has been more and because of the lack of communication has never really heard good job. But the main reason I got off on this tangent was to explain my parents, my mom is a type a aggressive hypocritical person, she exaggerates and has completely perfected the guilt trip and my favorite trait of her personality (not) might just be how she asks everyone to go get things for her, like she will walk from her room down stairs and forget her water glass, and instead of going back up and getting it, she will be like, oh can someone get my water I left it up stairs. My dad is completely passive aggressive, a pack rat and pretty much a workaholic, he’s on antidepressants and is the parent that we go to if we need something or want to get away with something. With each day I notice that I am becoming my mom, I exaggerate, I am a major hypocrite, and I ask people to do things for me just like her, I’ll be standing by the fridge making some food and I’ll ask some one else to grab something from inside. The good parts of her I am fine with having, but when I notice the very things that make it hard to be anywhere near her in myself, I hate it.
And this my friends leads me to the whole point of this, my resolutions for this semester, most of them will probably make my new years resolution list too.

1. Keep exaggeration to a minimum.

2. Stop complaining as much, I saw this thing on Oprah about this guy trying to start a no complaining phenomenon and has these bracelets that each time you complain you switch wrists and the theory is that after a while the habit of complaining will be broken because you make a conscious effort not to. I think I will try something like it.

3. Do not wear sweatpants, looking halfway presentable has not been my priority this last semester and that needs to change, fashion is hopefully what I am going to do with my life so sweatpants aren’t really acceptable.

whoa, and a random and completely unrelated note, I just glanced at the clock and its about a hour and a half after I started writing this, and it hasn’t really seamed like more than forty five minutes.

4. Be more honest with what I know. Okay so we all have those times when we don’t no what someone else is talking about, but we pretend to just so we don’t look stupid and such, but every always knows and you end up looking stupider. I met this girl this summer and she would openly admit what she didn’t know, and that was one of the most admirable traits about her. I figure that if I am just open like that about what I don’t know than nothing can come back you bit me, like when I tell someone yeah I love that band, and never had heard of it and they give me the CD for Christmas.

5. Stretch everyday. This is on my list every time and has been from about second grade. I am the least flexible person ever and that needs to change. I might have a chance, I have been really into yoga lately and think I could totally do it everyday.

6. Start being what I want to be now instead of planning for the future. I figure that why wait till I’m old to start living my life, I’ll just start now. Easier said than done though.

7. Avoid what I hated about last semester. I will explain this next.

Even though the whole point of this list is to better my life this time it’s more imperative. I don’t know what I became this semester, but it’s not who I wanted to be. I spent too much time thinking about school and grades and not actually doing enough about it that it didn’t really help. I was focused on one thing and spent the rest of my time beating myself up about not having it work out for me. Everything I was I lost or just put on the back burner and forgot. And keeping with that little metaphor, forgot about it till whatever was in it turned to ashes I burnt through the bottom of the pot and caught the house on fire. my main goal for these next three weeks is to remind my self of the things that used to make me, well me and I need to focus on those things if I have a chance of surviving and not turning into someone how just waits for life to start, and never has a chance to live.
I think that’s my greatest fear not really living, just watching life go by and always missing what could have been,
this is almost three pages in a word document so I think I will stop it here I’ll probably type some more later, but by the way you should watch quarterlife because I’ve been watching it while typing this all and its really good.
I am scared and uncertain about where I want to go at this point of my life. Part of me thinks well I will have time later, I don’t need to worry, it will work its self out.
and then I know that life doesn’t come to people who sit around waiting for the right time, like that Jack London quote “You can't wait for inspiration, you have to go after it with a club."

well good bye for now, hoped you enjoyed this long note.

Mariah.

The Cagged Bird Sings.

2008-12-18T15:17:00.004-07:00

there's a deep-ish reflective post coming maybe soon.
but for now
I am Free.
finals are over, but I have some pretty intense burns on my hands, I grabbed a cake pan...it was basically a bad idea.
today was fun though, other than the testing part.

I like to hold it and pretend it's mine

2008-12-17T19:45:00.007-07:00

Every time I go by the Lucky Store I stop in and try on this ring, this massive adornment of perfection.

I really, really want it.

I'm thinking of starting a "buy Mariah the ring fund" if all my friends chip in $5 I'll have it in no time.

if only I had a steady job I would have bought it by now, damn you child labor laws.

I feel odd about stealing my chair back.

2008-12-15T13:43:00.004-07:00

last summer my parents had a garage sale and sold my desk chair.
my amazing red chair with a hand embroidered seat,
yeah the padding was a bit lumpy and the paint was chipping, but it's my favorite chair ever.

so I didn't find out who bought this chair until about a month ago when I was over at my friends house and saw it in their garage, I said, "that used to be my chair." she said "really? it's super cool" and that was that.

but today I was leaving for school and I saw the chair, outside by the trash, my chair, my favorite chair.
well the trash men don't come until four so as soon as I came home at one I grabbed the chair,
IT'S MINE AGAIN!!!

what oh what do I say when my friend comes over and is like, "hey you took that from our trash"?
I'm thinking I'll just scream"finders keepers losers weepers."

yeah....

2008-12-14T22:57:00.006-07:00

it is negative 8 degrees outside,

negative 8.

granted it is 11 at night, but still...

it didn't get above 6 degrees all day.

Tomorrow I am planning on venturing out into the cold, in my winter "agg I hate this" uniform sweatpants, wool socks, Birkenstock clogs and a hoodie, to take some finals, fail them, come home and study for some more tests in the warmness of my house, tucked into my 0 degree sleeping bag, drinking scorching chi, and hopefully retaining a semester's worth of Spanish curriculum.
mannn, four days, seven finals left till a couple weeks of freedom.

^^^this is from when it snowed over thanksgiving.

right now I think it's too cold for it to be dumping any more powder on us. no hope for a snowday tomorrow.

outstanding procrastination.

2008-12-13T21:36:00.006-07:00

I am supposed to be studying for finals,
but I really haven't gotten much work done today,
well really none at all.
I did however, go on an amazing 5 mile run, did yoga for about an hour, gave myself a mani-pedi, took a 45 minute long 338475 degree shower, looked at all my friends myspaces and facebooks, planned my whole summer, filled out financial aid applications, had many tee and biscotti breaks, did my laundry, read thirteen reasons why, watched the entire third season of One Tree Hill on dvd, watched the movie Hair online. looked at about 345862039465 bazillion style blogs , and made some cheese and broccoli soup.
so when I bomb my history and geometry finals on Monday, I can just tell my teachers that I'd rater do all this than study for the finals in their classes... and then give them some soup as a bribe not the fail me in their class.
that will work right?
ahahah mann. I'm going to bed.better get rested for my cram session tomorrow.
oh here are some pictures that have deterred my mind from my school work,

pictures from: postsecret, polaroid a day, Ville Kansanen.

All You Californian Kids.

2008-12-13T17:36:00.004-07:00

please, please go shopping at the Built by Wendy west coast closing sale, for your own sake.
I mean 70% off this stuff, how can you pass it up.
makes me wish I was going to be in san fransico or LA before the 28th.
mann.

the second memory monday

2008-12-08T17:30:00.003-07:00

I guess since it is Monday and I do have a bit off time, I'll share a short memory.

When I was in preschool, I decided to see if I would be able to fake sick and they would send me home, I didn't particularly want to go home, I just wanted to see if I was capable of this feat.
I walked up to the teacher holding my stomach ,crying a bit, and looking ill, I told her I was going to puke, she ran me to the bathroom, and then such a strange thing happened, I puked, because of how nervous I was that I was going to get caught. I truly became sick.
I have used this tool many times since then, last year I didn't have a major assignment and so I went to the nurses office to say I wasn't feeling good, I turned really white and my temperature was over one hundred degrees (Fahrenheit) and I was shaking. At the sight of my the nurse immediately called my mom and told her I HAD to go home right now. my mom ended up just thinking I hadn't eaten enough protein and gave me a lecture,

but moral of the story is that I am really, really good at pretending to be ill, because I literally make myself sick just by trying.

2008-12-07T17:29:00.001-07:00

I just don't have the time to post,

I'll be back the end of December.

2008-12-05T23:03:00.003-07:00

it's been a bit since my last post, but I really have nothing to say so will leave you with part of Rachel Comey's spring '09 collection

images from teenvogue.com

The First Memory Monday

2008-12-01T21:47:00.006-07:00

There is Mixtape Monday, but I am quite lazy and don't really have the patience to make mixtapes.

So I thought I'd do something nostalgic on my Mondays, because after all Memory Monday is alliteration.

Once, when I was small, it rained, I mean it really pored, for what I remember as weeks, but was really only days,

It rained so much and so forcefully that I couldn't do my favorite outside activity, swing and sing songs while flying throw the air. this made me sad, I prayed for something fantastic to come out of this wretched rain storm.

Finally after such a long while it stoped raining, and the sun came out, and the most vibrant rainbow appeared, a full, across the sky, double decker rainbow.

I ran outside, without my shoes, in my princess dress and super hero cape, and started running down my street, the damp sidewalk cold under my bare feet. I ran past the well known landmarks of my childhood, the spiral mailbox, Paul's cactus, the crab apple tree, the white house, I ran as far as I could will myself to go, past my boundaries, I ran out into the world.

The whole time I was running, I stared at this vibrant rainbow, waiting to see the end, find that pot of gold,and when I had run seven houses down the street, seven houses into the world, I stoped. The rainbow was moving with me, it followed me in the sky, I ran back to my house, and the rainbow never moved, it stayed fixed against the gray sky, even when everything around me moved, even when I was seven houses from safety, it was painted across the sky, in the same spot. I ran back and forth between my house,and the edge of my world and the rainbow was always fixed in the same spot.

I don't remember how this sudden realization impacted my life, how knowing I could never reach the end of the rainbow changed me. All I remember is after a bit I skipped home, with my frozen feet and picked up all the worms from the sidewalk, and threw them back to the grass, back home, so they wouldn't dry out and die.

and in case you need some tunes while reading my rant, check out Bright Eyes

2008-11-30T00:53:00.002-07:00

what hurts most, is that when you finally slow down enough, have time to think, you realize you are completely empty inside.
empty, empty, nothing

all the things you focus on, they don't matter really.
but the fear of not having the most mundane, pointless things in your life is worse than not living fully.
the things that are holding you back,also happen to be the things that keep you from drowning.

I am scared.

there are...

2008-11-29T13:17:00.004-07:00

19 days

36 days

114 days

183 days

1271 days

...till the day I might start really living my life

2008-11-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

please watch Pieces of April.

it's my thanksgiving tradition.

mannn

2008-11-26T23:54:00.004-07:00

tonight was amazing!
there was some sick "sledding" down a hill in the lid of a crab shaped sand box, rockband-playing, Nerf wars, shoe throwing, burrito eating, jamming, and everything else.
this has been the best day in a long while,,and tomorrow will hopefully be even better!
I've lately been obsessed with the yeah yeah yeahs song maps.and I can completely ace it on the drums in rockband.

I have a mission,for all those that might read this at any time, tell me one book, one movie, one musician, and one blog that I really need to read/watch/listen/look at right now.

I guess if I am going to give you a challenge I have to do it too, so here it goes:
The Hiding Place, by Corrie Ten Boom, its was a pretty powerful book.
Pan's Labyrinth
Ferron, I don't really know much about him/them, but I grabbed the CD boulder from the library and I sort like it.
SEVENTY TWO WORDS stories with exactly 72 words.

oh and I really enjoy the top below, bows, yellow, and strips, my favorite.

Dorothy Lee

2008-11-26T15:11:00.001-07:00

I almost forgot, my GPA is up to a 3.85.

see what I can accomplish in a week.

Oh, Hello There Agian

2008-11-26T14:44:00.006-07:00

okay I'm back a day early,

but I've had the most wonderful day!
the past week and a half has been a hectic mess of school, orchestra, and home work, but now I have 5 days to enjoy the peaceful laziness of the holidays.
I'm feeling really productive and accomplished, so far today I've done all my laundry, finished reading The Chosen for school, drafted 2 skirt patterns, dusted vacuumed and organized my whole room, read the December issue of W, gone on a run with my dog, and finished my biology homework.

I'm going to laze about for the rest of the day and enjoy not being in Spanish class right now!
at 6 it's off my my friend Bayley's house to help her get ready for a party and the some crazy times with the group.
I am so excited for this party, because it will be the first time the whole group has gotten together since the end of summer.
I hope your day is just as good as mine is, I'm hoping I can get pictures of the skirts I'm making up here, I'll try.

oh an my This I Believe essay I was talking about a while ago is finished, and I will upload it as soon as I figure out how to upload a lone mp3 on to my blog.
if anyone knows please tell me. thank you!

self imposed week-long blogging fast

2008-11-16T10:38:00.002-07:00

my grades in school suck,okay to be fair the don't suck but they aren't where I want them to be.
my goal of a 4.0 GPA for this semester isn't going to become true.
with about 3 weeks left in the semester there is no way I can get my Spanish grade up to an acceptable level, and no way I can get an A in English or Geometry.
that's 12 out of 27 credit hours that suck. agh I know I put too much pressure on my self, but I really want to graduate with at least a 3.8 GPA, and because my first semester isn't going to be that great, the little wiggle room that I had, is now wasted. with means I am going to have to take more AP classes Junior and Senior year.
sometimes I wish I went to the high school I was supposed to instead of applying out of district,
because honers classes there are weighted, so I would have over a 4.5 GPA if I went there, and probably higher because the academics at the school aren't as challenging as they are at the school I go to now.
I know learning is more important than grades, but when your too busy doing busy work than actually learning, its easy to forget.

I feel like this winter break will be the most relaxing break ever.
I truly cannot wait, but I'm dreading the end of the semester because that means my grades are set in stone.
agh I am so stressed, mostly because I never have time to get anything done.
I have decided this is because of my blogging, so I officially am taking a week long self imposed fast from blogging, I'll be back on Thanksgiving, the 27th of November for all those not celebrating the American Holiday commentating the Native Americans saving our asses which is a favor we return with genocide, and putting them on the shittiest pieces of land, so their culture can be "protected". agh sometimes my nationality makes me sick.

well anyway, good bye for a bit,
Yo voy estidiar espanol.
Hasta luego.

I Forgot Some

2008-11-15T21:02:00.006-07:00

The Boy Called It
Five Quarters of the Orange
The Bible
The Bridge of San Luis Rey
The Namesake
Gathering Blue
The Life of Pi
Chasing Redbird
I am Will

books i need to read

2008-11-15T20:43:00.002-07:00

Every thing is Illuminated
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Keeper of the Night
Thirteen Reasons Why
Before I Die
Impulse
The Lost Thing
Tweak
The Wednesday Letters
The Color Purple
Atonement
One Hundred Years of Solitude
The Lancelot Closes at Five
Great Expectations
Favorite Poems for Children

just a little list

2008-11-15T20:13:00.003-07:00

chalkboard paint
mustard
pocket watch
breathing
mismatched
rings
wallpaper
oak
laundry
letters
alliteration
zipper
tie
paper clips
staples
orange
stories
resolutions
time
finials
screws
tables
safety pins
thread
camp

2008-11-15T19:17:00.002-07:00

clothes, fabric, crafts, live music.
what more can you ask for in a store

Fancy Tiger

roses have more than thorns.

2008-11-15T10:38:00.007-07:00

I was browsing through the shelves of Urban Outfitters clearance racks and in one bucket full of scarves, and wallets, I found a pare of jeans,
first I saw the price tag ($8.75),
then I saw the size (28 with a 33" inseam),
then I saw the fit (low rise flare).
then I tried them on,
it was too good to be true,
you can't even realize how much I've searched for the perfect pair of dark wash, slight flare jeans.
and they were only $8.75.
when I went to pay, I asked the guy to check the price first, because I wasn't really sure if this was actually happening.
it was, now I have a new pair of jeans, and I payed less than 15% of the original price, yay!

I had to pay for them in coins though,
because I have no paper money, and I was going to just go to the mall without any and window shop, but then at the last minute I decided to empty my piggy bank out.

I think it was meant to be, the jeans are a miracle.
because really what are the chances of the only pair of jeans in the clearance section, being my size, and the style that I want?

it was the best part of a wretched day, and truly made my day.

2.7

2008-11-13T21:52:00.003-07:00

good things:
my sweater.
bagels.
reading.
running, literally sprinting to the burrito shop.

bad things:
district orchestra.
school.
tests.
homework.
biology lab.
being sick.
substitute teachers.
broken shoes.
pretty much every thing else.

today on a scale of 1-10 is a 2.7
agh, good night.

2008-11-13T21:51:00.002-07:00

unmotivated.

2008-11-12T22:08:00.002-07:00

"If you got hit in the head with that big black phone,

it'd knock you out cold and you'd die dead."

-little alters everywhere

for some reason i love this quote.

history.

2008-11-12T21:15:00.006-07:00

my own parents today told me that I am more of a hippy than they ever were during the 60's.

and that I should do something to fix my "Janice Joplin" mane.

I told them I my hair is the fault of the genes they gave me.

then I looked at pictures of Joplin.
I like this one, she's younger here, and I love how she's standing, I really like her hair too.

it's just like mine, but brown.

gosh sometimes I really wish I was born in 1950, that would make me 18 in 1968, the perfect age in such a influential year.

some days I think the world got me and my mom's ages mixed up.

hmm I wonder if someday my kids will be wishing they lived in my time, you know, and saw the first black president get elected, or live through the changing of the millennium, or when mars was like super close.

I think that each generation has something that is such a great thing to live through, and even though crap stuff happened more often than not, that is the thing that people look back on and say.."wow I wish I was there"

and then the crap things too, like when I ask my parents how it was being in the air force at the end of Vietnam, and even though they never were in combat (my dad was a computer programmer, mom and office clerk) how terrible of a time that was. future generations will ask us about 9-11 and the war in Iraq, and what ever is going to happen in these next four years. and if there is another depression, then just like I asked my grandmother about how hard it was, people will ask me the same.
and this is why I love history, because its the thing that connects the generations, and even though completely different things happen to each generation, its still a cycle of good, and bad.
history repeats, and even if its not the events its everything else, it's the feelings, of wanting change or wanting stability, or anything else. just thinking about history makes me feel so much closer to everyone that has lived before me. and it makes me scared, because even if I don't do anything spectacular with my life, other people will and I will be responsible for keeping their stories going just because I was there, I witnessed what happened, and even more than that, I felt it, and I think history is nice and all but I care so much more about how people felt about the events than what actually happened. and I loath my history book because of this, because it makes it all black and white. but if no one felt strongly about anything then history wouldn't happen.

war and conflict is not all about land or power, it's about emotions. do you really think that there would be fighting in the middle east if there wasn't for conflicting feelings? no of course not, and that's why I think there is a great amount of pressure on each generation to remember what they felt about each thing, details can be forgotten, but how an event made people feel and the reactions to those feelings is the reason anything gets done, changes or stays the same.

I don't really no why I posted it, I was just going to post the Janice Joplin photo and end it there, but this rant just came out of me. I'll try to make since of it later, for now I am going to go do math homework, watch Smart People, and try to get sleep so I can feel better tomorrow.

2008-11-12T21:01:00.003-07:00

iron-on interfacing=the best

2008-11-12T08:39:00.002-07:00

I am sick.

for reals this time.

thrifting

2008-11-11T19:32:00.004-07:00

when I go thrifting,
I look at the woman's dresses first,
then the skirts, then sweaters,
then I go to the table cloths/curtains/bed sheet section to check out if there are any amazing prints.
then it's off to the men's shirt section to check for the same thing,
then shoes, bags and jewelry.

I went thrifting after school today, and found an amazing light gray cashmere cardigan.
it's quite thick, and fits perfectly, wonderful.
I am going to change out the buttons though, to bright mismatched ones.

wishlist

2008-11-10T21:41:00.002-07:00

I want a lace mini dress, with a Peter Pan collar and a large floppy bow.
in red and cream, please.

also a mustard yellow polyester backpack.
with matching mustard loafers.

2008-11-10T20:16:00.001-07:00

I am chew your pencil like a stressed beaver,

stressed.

Alphabet Soup Day.

2008-11-10T18:24:00.003-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that I eat too much soup.
it was cold today.
so during lunch I went to the store and bought a can of soup.
and a bowl.
then I warmed it up in the microwave.

on the way home I picked up some jumbo alphabet letters, and studied my Spanish vocabulary.
and made more soup.
yum.

I went to the library and got an arm full of books.
also some Cd's, I picked them because the album covers were cool.
I'll get back to you on the verdict.

A Different Perspective.

2008-11-09T17:04:00.003-07:00

I've been seeing new meanings of every thing in my life.
things aren't changing, I am.

this gives me a bit of the willies, but I love it all the same.

this weekend was probably one of the most powerful times in my life, easily in the top 3.
I changed so much in just three days. I don't want to return to my old self. but i am scared of becoming something different, I guess the only thing to do is move in the direction that I'm facing.

hope you had as much fun as I did this weekend, hope you cried as many tears of joy, hope that part of you changed,
mostly because it is quite an intoxicating feeling.

:D :D :D

2008-11-06T21:08:00.003-07:00

I am so very very happy at this moment.
oh mann I don't think I can even begin to tell you.
tomorrow I get to see my very best friends!
and then I have a church retreat all weekend!
and I wrote 3 drafts of this i believe essays.
and finished loads of homework.

things left to do tonight?
-study for Spanish
-study for biology
-finish filling in my math vocab sheets
-study for English vocab test
-laundry
-pack for this weekend
-alter a shirt so i can wear it tomorrow
-pack a lunch for tomorrow
-clean my room

I'm not going to get much sleep, but I'm so excited I probably wouldn't be able to if i tried.

P.S. my posts are a bit bipolar, sorry.

This I Believe.

2008-11-06T15:34:00.010-07:00

I have to write a This I Believe essay for English.
my teacher say this will probably be the hardest piece of writing that we will do all year.
but I don't think it will be that hard to write,
just to turn in, to let my teacher, my classmates read.
that will be the hard part.
I find writing easier now that I have this blog. sharing things with my few readers is helping, breaking my shell a bit. hmmm...and you know what I thought of today? just for a millisecond, I thought maybe, I could be a English major in collage.
me, the person who dreaded writing and English before last year, when I found the healing affects of writing my memoir. and now this year, English is one of my favorite classes, easily in the top three.
History, Biology (I'd rather be in chem.) and then English.
I still think I will major in fashion design, or maybe chemical engineering.
I still have a couple years till I need to seriously think about this,
though some times it's quite difficult not to get caught up in collage planning, when basically it's being thrown at my every day at school.

oooookkkkay back to my essay.

This I Believe essays on NPR are just one of the things that make me love Mondays. I have always kinda wanted to write one, and now I have too,
everyone in my class had looks of pain, hatred, loathing when we got this assignment today.
but there I sat, in the back of the room, secretly formulating essays in my mind, secretly loving the assignment, knowing that I will probably write many essays, and when I turn one in, pretend that just like every one else, I wrote it the night before.

here is my essay topic brainstorm list:
-fashion, the power of creating, the impact
-sunrises
-memories
-little things are what matter, mini-m&m's.
-the need to hear three little words, i love you.
-that the best moments in life are not the ones we can explain.

I think that I am going to write about sunrises.
I think I need to explain this some more.
I believe in sunrise, I believe in the hope the bring, with each new day, a new start, I believe that the forgiveness that comes with sunrise, is what keeps us going.
you see each morning, I have to see the sunrise. watch light come to the world,the start of a new day.
I believe that with the sunrise the past is forgiven, if not forgotten.
that if I see the sunrise. the day has a chance of being great, fantastic,
not only is it a fresh start, clean slate, it is a miracle, the thought that every single day, the sun will shine, that pretty much no matter what, that is the constant in my life.
I believe that the constant of sunrises is the single greatest source of hope, inspiration in my life.
and because all of this I believe in sunrises.

does this make sense?

or I will write about fashion and the creating of clothes.
I can use the themes of this essay that I wrote part of before for English, but ended up not using.
opinions please.

also check out all the This I Believe essays here
there are more on NPR
you can listen to them being read by the authors on NPR.

soup day.

2008-11-05T21:44:00.004-07:00

today was a potato soup day.
one of those days where you need some comfort food and sleep.
and maybe a good book.
and one of those days where you find yourself crying while you take a shower, and you don't know why.
but after your cry, you feel better.
and then you listen to sappy love songs, and wish that you had someone that you could stand beneath their window at 3am and serenade.
and then you feel better, not good, but better, and you make potato soup and lay on the leaf covered ground of your back yard eating it in large spoonfuls and drinking tea.
and you go to bed content with your life.
because maybe just doing things that are nice and comforting are all it takes to have a wonderful existence.
and because of this warm though and the hot potato soup in your tummy, there is a hit of a smile on your face.

salt

2008-11-05T16:13:00.003-07:00

okay.
today was stress mania.
to the max. times 10.
now I have to go practice my violin before district orchestra rehearsal tonight.
and find something to wear.
agh. I've been in sweats all day.
I figure I might as well look decent, seeing as I'm not going to be playing so.

today was quite retched, but there were a lot of things that cheered my up after school.
so thank you universe, and the lovely Hilary of je vis je vois, for deciding to follow my blog.

P.S. I really don't know why I named this post salt. if you have a reason for me, please share.

P.S.S. this is my 51st post! yay
and that has lead me to believe that I post too much lameness. oh well, it's getting cooler,ish,right?

P.S.S.S. that's all, good day.

happiness runs in a circular motion.

2008-11-04T20:50:00.003-07:00

I just had probably the best phone conversation ever.
it made me feel so much better.
I love best friends.
I cannot wait until Friday.
I'm going to see some of my favorite people in the world, and the I have a retreat all weekend.
yes!
and some awesome shopping in bolder.

now I must focus on homework, and essay preparation.
or else I might be grounded for the rest of my life.

goodnight everyone, or possibly good morning, good afternoon, whatever.

2008-11-04T16:48:00.005-07:00

today pretty much really sucked.
yeah...I love this dress though.

I'm planning on making one like it for our winter formal.
with a different top part, buttons on the skirt and not in neon.
or maybe I will do it in neon. I never really wear bright colors, maybe I should shock all my school mates and start.

I decide I wanted a dress like this because of the tiered Tu-Tu I made for Halloween, and I just remembered having this picture in my inspiration picture folder on my computer.

I might make loads of skirts too, because my Tu-Tu took me a grand total of 4 minutes to make, so make in one that is fully closed won't take too much longer.
just make it a bit bigger, and add buttons to close it up, and keep the ribbon waist band.

okay I am going to go make a skirt, if it turns out good I'll post it.
and if it's as easy as I'm planning, instructions for DIY.

I have loads of homework tonight and have spent way to much time online. I want to skip school tomorrow. but I wont, because I am already screwwed enough from missing yesterday.

P.S. I don't quite remember where I got this picture, it might have been on NYLON's web site, but I am not really sure. if anyone knows I would love to at least credit the designer.

Todays Findings.

2008-11-03T17:05:00.003-07:00

these really sick "drawings" are made of thread and pins.

more by Debbie Smyth

Music of the moment...

Tegan and Sara

they're so hackin awsome.

2008-11-03T11:29:00.002-07:00

I am missing English right now
the only class I feel guilty about ditching.
at the beginning of the year I hated it,
dreaded it.
now it's one of my best classes.
I love English.
the teacher is cool.
and I rock the lit discussions.
today we are having a discussion.
about deeper parts of Fahrenheit 415.
not just on the symbols, or the themes, but deeper connections,
the connections you can find in every little word.
I like analysing things like this.
I don't want to be missing this dissuasion.
but I am "ill."

diseased.

2008-11-03T11:10:00.003-07:00

I am at home sick.
but I'm not really sick, I just didn't want to take a math test.
this is the first time in my life I've ever dreaded math tests.
usually I ace them, but last one I took I got a C on.
my teacher is a bitch.
she makes me so angry.
she's reminds me of a leader of a high school clique.
everything she says is mean, in a happy mean nice way.
no wonder she teaches high school math.
she likes to spend time with people her own maturity level.
I hate her.
does she really expect us to like her when she's bouncing around in the front of the room teaching us all about triangles, and then yelling at us when no one cares because it's seven o'clock in the morning and we all hate her?
fuck, really?

2008-11-02T15:29:00.002-07:00

I beleive in the goodness of people.
though somedays it is quite hard.

Doesn't the hooker from last night want her dress back?

2008-11-01T19:22:00.006-06:00

Halloween was the shit.
best part of the night?
the boy wearing the skanky cheerleader costume, asking me what was in the water bottle that I was chugging.
and then telling me that my hippy flower girl costume was completely wrong because I wasn't tripping.

and oh boy was he attractive.

the re-creation of the village people the ended with a concussion was pretty spatacular too.

saying goodbye isn't the end, it's just the begining of a whole new story.

2008-10-31T15:42:00.003-06:00

there are somethings, that I don't want to realize, I don't want to acknowledge that things are ending.
so I guess when things are done for real, I can look back on this and say, I knew it all along, I just refused to see it.
the phone call today told me a lot, pointed out a lot that I already knew.
but still I think I will ignore it for a bit longer, pretend, maybe it's a good thing,
I don't want to think about it.
gosh every day, I wish that I was 7 again.
that was such a good age.
that was when we were best friends, and before you moved, and before it started to end.
I guess we have to give ourselves credit for keeping it up for this long.
and strangely I'm not dreading this end, hopefully we'll meet up randomly in 10 years,
I'm looking forward to that reunion.

No Snow

2008-10-30T22:18:00.002-06:00

where I live, we have white Halloweens, more often that white Christmases, I've grown up basing my halloween costumes around winter coats and boots.
tomorrow, it's suppose to be in the high 70's.
I guess I don't need my snow proof, cold weather appropriate, ninja costume.
oh well.
have fun tomorrow everyone.

Bathroom Graffiti

2008-10-29T22:55:00.001-06:00

"if I had one wish, I'd wish for a star or an inch, just a star or an inch, of all my own, for that, I would wish."
-the bathroom wall

Ridicuolous.

2008-10-29T21:40:00.002-06:00

I have an outrageous number of Halloween costumes for this year,
and I'm planning on wearing them all.
a Japanese princess, flower child, ballerina, ninja, little red riding hood, and a hobo.

3 down, and 3 to go.
does any on else have different costumes for every party, or am I absolutely insane?

2008-10-27T19:55:00.001-06:00

"Dear book, this is another day in my life. A life is like a book. A book is like a box. A box has six sides. Inside and outside, so, how do you get to what's inside? How do you get what's inside, out? Once upon a time, there lived a very pretty girl, who lived in a beautiful box, and everybody loved her." -Gia Caragni

L-O-V-E

2008-10-27T19:24:00.003-06:00

I want these dresses. someone please get them for me, some one...

weekend update.

2008-10-26T22:27:00.003-06:00

Though I'm sure this won't be as entertaining as Seth and Amy's I'll try. (by the way, congrats to Amy for having her baby)

on Friday I went to my school's play, Flowers for Algernon, and oh mannnn that play is depressing, my friend was the lead, so in pretty much every scene me and my friend Leah waved like mad to him, he didn't notice though. after the play I came home and work on homework, found a costume for a Halloween party, and went to bed.

on Saturday my school hosted a trick or treat street for kids with down syndrome so they can have a safe Halloween experience. my costume was a Japanese princess as i found a kimono in my basement. I was running the face painting station and had my lack of drawing ability on about 300 little kids faces, by the end I was just asking kids if they wanted, ghosts, spiders, or pumpkins, those were just about the only things I could handle. it was so much fun though, next year I'm going to decorate a room.
after that I came home and finished up my homework, finally got around to reading W magazine, and finished re-reading the kite-runner for school. wow I really love that book, there is so much pure emotion within it's pages, amazing.
I made dinner for my family, whole wheat pasta with goat cheese sauce and asparagus, and cheese stuffed pears. usually I just cook for myself being the only vegetarian in a family of hard core meat eaters, but tonight I decided to make enough for every one, they liked the pasta but I think I lost them on the pears, so I ended up eating 3 half's just so they wouldn't go to waste.
after dinner we all went to a concert for my sister's band (my family is very musical, both my brother and sister are in bands). it was a bluegrass folk concert so i wore a loose free people tank with light wash destroyed jeans, and vintage Greek sandals that my mom had from the seventy's., i'll try to get pictures of the outfit up soon.
my and my brother hung out with the bands and other people, while my parents sat and drank diet cokes. it was loads of fun. and hippie fashion central. this girl had a pretty much really ugly skirt on, but when she danced the movement was gorgeous, I want to find a way to invoke that movement in something prettier. there as also this guy in patchwork overalls, they were pretty sick. my hero of the night was this girl that had on a gorgeous blue and gray floral dress, I didn't get a good look at it because she was wearing her coat but there was this delicate lace around the hem, and the perfect amount of gathering and volume. when I complemented her on it, she told me that she found it that morning at a thrift store for $1.50. at that moment I wished that I was her. my sister also had this amazing bag that she got at goodwill for $2.99.
all the pot smoke, and the dreadlocks inspired my parents to give me the drug talk on the way home, me and the brother shared eye roles and silent laughter while we resisted to urge to ask them what they have tried. I mean really, you were in high school in the late 60's and you expect us to believe that you did nothing? or at least in collage, and mom, you moved to Greece when you were 20, I've seen the photo albums. so after they finished the hypocritical drug lecture, I told them that in psych I had just learned all about how drugs affect you, and have seen more anti-drug, just say no movies in the last month to last me a lifetime, so they shouldn't worry.
I went to bed as soon as we got home, at 2am. I wish they would have let me and my brother stay for the rest of the sets and hang with my sister, but that really was not going to happen, due to the many people that were clearly baked. at least I had a fun night out even with the parents within 20 feet of me. only a few more years till freedom!

Sunday has been pretty boring, I woke up at eleven, did homework for a bit then went to church and youth group.

I still have to do some reading for school but otherwise I'm done. yay!
good luck everybody on the coming week.

26 Letters

2008-10-24T23:45:00.004-06:00

I took a trip to a used bookstore today.
it made me feel a bit overwhelmed, what if the answers that we are looking for, are in the books that we never have the time to read? how do you decide witch books to chose, witch to cast away, how is that chose made, and what if we miss something.
I went in looking for a copy of clockwork orange, came out with 7 others.
but still I do not feel that is enough,
read any good books lately? please let me know.

At a loss

2008-10-24T23:03:00.003-06:00

Have you ever had the feeling that you have so much to say, so much, you just haven't figured it out quite yet?
I have so much on my mind, it's just stuck, I can't put anything into words, at least not the right ones.
I don't know, I need answers, inspiration, something.

someday...

2008-10-23T22:18:00.004-06:00

Sorry for the crap posts lately, I can't find a camera or memory card that functions properly so no pictures. and lately I haven't been able to focus on anything but school. life hasn't been the most fantastic right now, parental shit and such, but I'm not going to use this blog to complain that's one promise I've made.
but really I have nothing else to say so I am going to force myself to not post anything for the sake of posting,
I'll be back someday, maybe after the weekend, but right now that's looking like a long shot.
good night everyone, I'll blog sometime,
hopefully sooner rather than later.

2008-10-22T16:22:00.003-06:00

uninspired.

beastly indeed.

2008-10-21T20:12:00.005-06:00

This is my to-do list and time-table for the rest of tonight and tomorrow.

8:30-10:00 study for history test and write essay.
10:00-10:45 finish my Spanish essay.
10:45-11:00 take a break, make some tea, and read this weeks onion.
11:00-12:00 re-organize all of my binders
12:00-12:45 re-copy Monday's Spanish notes
12:45-1:00 revise history essay
1:00-1:15 pack lunch that i can eat in the library without the hawk of a librarian noticing.
1:15-1:45 figure out what to wear for pictures
1:45-1:50 put all school stuff in bag, pack a calculator, find $5 for play tickets.
1:50-2:00 extra time!
2:00-4:45 sleep.
4:45-5:10 go on a run, enjoy the quiet.
5:10-5:20 shower, wash hair.
5:20-6:00 make hair look half-way decent for picture re-takes.
6:00-6:15 don't forget the make up.
6:15-6:45 organize room.
6:45-7:00 leave for school, pick up some stuff at the grocery store.
7:00-7:10 meet with history teacher and have her look over my essay.
7:10-7:21 socialize with friends, make it to geometry on time.
7:21-8:20 geometry, last minute cramming for history test.
8:20-11:34 boring classes, lameness
11:34-11:40 go to bathroom and fix hair and make up.
11:40-12:14 get school picture retakes, pray the turn out better than the first ones, hope that this doesn't take all lunch so i still have time to go to the library and study for Spanish. oh and try to eat something.
12:14-2:16 survive the rest of the school day, and avoid taking naps during biology.
2:16-2:20 go to locker, grab text books, say bye to people, go out and wait for my mom.

***this is not really a typical day, just midterms. and a day where i have to put some effort into doing my hair,
but at the same time it is because i rarely get more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night. and always run at 4:45 in the morning. and i make list like these for every second of every day.

things to remember:
make up bag
brush
tooth brush
old school pictures
calculator
a coat
water bottle (and remember not to bring it to Spanish)

come, look, see.

2008-10-20T17:42:00.004-06:00

i randomly clicked on the "next blog" button just to see what would come up.
and found this:

http://performanceonpaper.blogspot.com/

i kind of like it, some the pictures remind me of the Washington, DC editorial in the February 2008 issue of W (photographed by juergen teller) it's the rigidness of the models mostly.

Just an Introduction

2008-10-20T16:09:00.004-06:00

There is magic in the process of turning a flat piece of fabric into a three dimensional piece of art. An intimacy in crafting each seam, dart, gather, every element of something so primitive yet powerful. There is something about fashion and the transformation that takes raw materials and molds them into something grater, unexpected. There is something about fashion, and even more, the basic art of crafting clothes that intrigues me. I can not quit put my finger on it, I don't quite know what it is, but there is something so fulfilling, satisfying that it has become more than an obsession. clothes and fashion are more than a way of expression, they are fundamental parts of life....

so starts my personal essay for English, but after this i am stuck. i have thought but i just can't seem to fit them in to sentences.
please help, tell me what you think, give suggestions.
anything would be greatly appreciated.

Fall Break.

2008-10-19T15:56:00.004-06:00

well my plan for the weekend didn't turn out so good. this is what really happened

Thursday:
nothing much
i slept and attempted some closet organization, but didn't get too far.
went to the library
i went to a corn maze and haunted house with bayley and her family.
came home at like 10:00 and fell asleep quite fast.

Friday:
i babysat a three year old kid for 4 hours.
dug for bugs, played chase and made a ridiculous amount of peanut butter sandwiches.
made $40, yay!
went out to eat with parentals and sister
got a hanging closet bar from the container store
went to Nordstrom Rack and got a adorable free people tank.
came home and organized my closet.

Saturday:
went on a long run and completely re-messed up my knees (i guess i didn't let them heal completely from when i killed the tendons last)
went to about a million and two garage sales with my mom
bought a trench coat and a vintage bolling bag.
also got a chair that I'm going to attempt to reupholster.
did some laundry and organized my closet.
took a nap from 3-8.
did math homework
went to bed (at 10)

Sunday:
got up at 12:30.
started to work on my biology project.
gave up and researched for my us history essay.
read the next chapter in my book for English.
and worked some more on my bio project.

so basically i accomplished nothing this weekend except for making money, then spending it, and catching up on the sleep i missed last week.

tonight I'm going to go to church and youth group, finish the million projects due tomorrow, cram for my psychology, history, and English tests. finish the review packet for math, and hopefully find some time to catch a bit of shut eye. though the sleep might have to happen during Spanish tomorrow, maybe I'll take a nap during lunch.

this week is going to be a beast, I'll try to get pictures up sometime but don't hold your breath.

Playing Dress Up.

2008-10-16T00:34:00.005-06:00

I played dress up today, me and my neighbor tryed on practically everything in both our closets, and then when to the mall, it was a blast. she regrets not taking pictures of us, we'll do it again soon and have pictures up. I was going to have her take pictures of things for me but we were having too much fun that I forgot.

I'm going to bed,
no school tomorrow! yay, some organization after today's adventures is in demand.

plan for Thursday:

go on a run
organize closet
do laundry
vacuum room
write a history essay
make a sweater pattern
make the sweater
find fabric and a pattern for a dress
watch movies with friends
go to sleep

Friday:

go on a run
Geometry homework
Biology lab report and project
study for History test
study for Psychology test
study for Spanish test and Spanish worksheets
English project
practice my violin
sleep over at bay's house

the rest of my weekends free after this, I'm giving up my computer for the next four days for every thing that's not school related so when I'm back hopefully I'll have pictures, cross your fingers.

Anthropology.

2008-10-15T23:52:00.007-06:00

I went to anthropology today, and these are the clothes I fell in love with.

I can't afford any of them, but it's nice to dream, and I got loads of DIY inspiration.

Decisions.

2008-10-15T23:27:00.005-06:00

I realized some things today.

1) I don't want to dye my hair dark brown anymore, I love the color like it is now.

2) I don't want to be a mega rich, famous fashion designer. I want to own a small business, with one or two stores, I want to have a small team working with me to produce designs. I don't want a line massed produced over seas. I want a line were I see each piece from start to end, finalize each piece, sew the tags in myself. I know that this way I'll never make any money, and that my employees will be making more than I am, but really I don't want it any other way.

3) I want to completely change my style, I feel like I dress so generically, so much like everyone else, that skinny jeans and flats have become my uniform, that with the occasional dressed mixed in that I'm just a wannabe fashionista. I want to do something so different. I want a signature style, but I want something flexible. right now I'm a a quest to find something that is me.

letters

2008-10-14T22:35:00.008-06:00

my friends have been doing this on their myspaces and stuff, writing letters to different friends and people in there lives, I'm not ready for everyone in my life to read these so I'm posting on here.

you were my best friend, I ruined it with you so long ago, I'm lazy and self centered, or those are my excesses for never reconnecting, I hope I can tell you that I still love you, that your still my best friend, but its been 5 years, 5 fucking years, I think it's too late. I hope it's not, I run past your house sometimes, I fight the urge to go and ring your bell, ask if you want to play, like we used to.

you're always going to be there for me, we have so much fun, you helped me through so much, just by being there, never asking questions, just letting me come over, hibernate in you house and rearrange your closet. I feel like part of you family, I mean I have my own tooth brush at your house, I love you! we don't hang out so much any more, but I don't fear losing you, we always find time. forever well make cakes, eat lucky charms, yell at each other till we just have to laugh, be amazing together, go on summer solstice camping trips in your back yard, plan each other's future, argue about the best movies, anything and everything, you'll be my best fiend forever and ever, or at least till we die, or kill each other, and then there's the (small) possibility that we'll just stop being friends.

I would never have called you my friend, your were my locker partner, the kid I've known since kindergarten, but now I now that you mean more to me than that, you mean so much. that year was hard, but looking back on it, I wouldn't have done it any differently, after spending 7 hours straight with you every day all year, we have so many stories and memories, I never see you anymore, but I know I could call you up and we would hang, just go to the park, do whatever, it doesn't matter with you. we haven't been locker partners in years but I'll always refer to you as that.

you, as a group, are the people I would give anything for, anything to see, I love you more than I could ever say, you are my "family", I didn't chose you, we came together by fate, and we all got along, my "big sisters" my friends. we have been through so much together, and in 6 years we'll do it all over again. hopefully I'll see you every summer till then. I don't know much about your lives outside of your summer skin, and sometimes it's hard to connect when I feel like you are different people. I'll never forget those weeks. never. I know you'll be there for me always, there's not a question that i can tell you anything, and you would do anything for me. the moments, each of the memories, are so special, I'll never forget any of you, thank you for the best weeks of my life, thank you for loving me, not judging, thank you for giving me hope, a reason. I love you guys!

your not my friends, I've never been close with you, and I get the felling that you hate me. I've started to spend lunch in the library instead of sitting with you. sometimes you'll hang out with me, but its for the same reasons I hang out with you, there's no one else around. we talk, laugh, but that's it, were acquaintances and nothing more than that, sometimes I wish I could be close with you guys, but you have such a passive aggressive nature that I just cant help but feel like an outsider.

I fell like your the only one that could understand me, what I'm going through, I mean you lived it. sometimes I feel like your deserting me, that your leaving me to fend for myself. I wouldn't ever ask you to stay, I know that this is harder for you than it is for me. I wouldn't want to hold you back. I'll never forget all the times that you have stood up for me. not only with them but every one else too. the times when you gave me advice, or were just there to talk to them when I had enough. we used to fight with each other by you've for for me countless times more.

one of my earliest memories of you is when you went to college, you packed your stuff, we loaded it in to your car, I only ever saw you when you came by for laundry, for birthdays, for Christmas. despite as never being close, I looked up to you more than anything, in kindergarten you were my hero, I remember bragging about you to my friends, I remember dancing with you to 90's music and being afraid of the vacuum sucking me up. I used to wake you up so you wouldn't be late for school. now it seems like your perfect, responsible, everything I'm not, yet you say you look up to me, and that is what keeps me from drowning in your shadow.

I didn't chose you, and we have never been that close. I used to wish that I could tell you anything, that we had a family like on 7th heaven. that dream's not working out too great. I don't blame you, you didn't mess her up to bad, she's a functional person, him though, he could use some love, you hurt him so much, and me too, by your words, those words cut deep, slice open old wounds right when the have begun to heal. you never told him congrats, never, he made it though, despite what you thought, he made it. me though, I still have time in this house, I need you to love me, when did you last say it? i don't remember it's been so long, I haven't heard those words in years, I almost say them sometimes, but the stick in my throat, I can't get my self to say them...maybe if you say them first. maybe this is what you think too, maybe your too scared to be vulnerable, maybe I need to take the first step. if there's anything you've given me is pride, and strength, maybe I'm too strong sometimes, too ridged, but I just don't want to disappoint.I love you though, more than life, it's a love I don't understand, a love mixed with empathy, I see more of my self in you guys than anyone else, and at times its scary. sometimes I hate you, for the way you raised us, but mostly I say thanks, because if I can survive this, you, then I can take on anything.

I can't stand you, I don't know why but I cant take you. maybe its the way you try too hard, you will do anything for friends, don't you see that's the thing that's preventing you from having any.

wow we have fun, I never know what you think of me, I never get too attached, I used to be so envious of you, I used to want to be you, I can't say that I still don't want parts of your life, it's just I think I fit better in to my own. I still remember the first time I saw you in 6th grade, I know exactly what you were wearing, I wanted your outfit for mine, you were perfect, we became friends fast, stupid jokes and laughter, you never seem to really care, and that's what I love about you. we spend loads of time together and can convince people were sisters, we sit next to each other all the time because of our last names. even if it's by first name we still manage to be right by each other. you're a constant in my life, always there, in the same classes, we do the same stuff, but it never gets old. I've reached the point with you that it doesn't matter if we agree, or that I look "cool" to you, it's just like whatever. you don't seem to pretend, and that's what I admire about you.

it's awkward seeing you now, I wonder if you think about it still, I wonder if you think about if I'm thinking about it. we haven't spoken in years, even though we live 2 houses away. you were one of my first friends, my first "boyfriend", if you could have called it that. those days were fun, but now they're a distant memory, I think I want to keep it that way.

remember that time, before we could understand each other, when we played with play dough, and mixed all the colors to make a chocolate cake? i don't know how but we communicated enough that you promised to teach me polish as soon as you learned English. i haven't learned yet but we'll get around to it. i haven't always liked you, you were annoying, but you are like my sister now, i love you neighborino.

you were the good out of a bad situation, I lost friends forever, but then got you, we were such an odd pair when I first walked across the street to hang with you, in my bright orange hoodie, we blew bubbles, that was fun. now you are one of my greatest heroes, you've been through so much, sometimes I think that you should be older than me, you certainly act like it. you've never cared about how people see you either, you cut your hair and it was instantly cool. we go on so many adventures together. you take such amazing pictures, we can argue politics, music, fashion all day and then just end up laughing and walking to the grocery store. Neighborino dos, I love you!

you have more compassion that anyone I've ever met. I barely know you yet you love me like a daughter, I would never know how to tell you this, but you mean so much to me.

I don't know any thing about you anymore, a smile, a wave, that's all. we used to be great friends, I guess we've been growing apart the last year or so, I knew, I just didn't want to see it, I miss you. sometimes you make me mad though, the way you have the need to tell me that your mom took you on a major shopping spree to get all new clothes, the way you can brag. I love you none the less, let's be friends still, I think there's a hope.

I think you know more about me than i would like you to, I don't really trust you, I'm scared that you have me all figured out, that you know. I lost it in front of you that one time, and I fear that's all it takes to know my problems, you saw me, a glimpse of my non-perfect life, and I wish that you didn't. you have such an ego though, but care so much, I don't know about you. I think your hiding things too, and I hope you wont judge me.

there's so much I don't know how to say it to you.

I saw you once, I don't know you, but that smile, made my day, when you helped me pick up the things i couldn't carry, it showed me that good people are out there, gave me the inspiration do go out of my way to help someone else. its a cycle, and thanks for keeping it going.

remeber when...

2008-10-14T19:50:00.003-06:00

we hiked all day?
up mountains that we re-named,
ran out of water, walked till we couldn't feel anything,
anything but hope, happiness, pride.
remember when, after hiking all day,
we saw this?

this picture make me so sad, I miss those times so badly.

Channeling the 80's

2008-10-13T18:52:00.010-06:00

The other day, my sister told me that if I was born 13 years before her instead of the other way around that I would have been her fashion hero in the 80's.
I think this is due to the fact that I wear skinnies and neon point toe flats way too much. and I was wearing a 80's inspired tee and a vintage velvet vest.

I need some new basics, and more tights, but I'm completely broke. and I'm going to spend money that I don't have by going out for chinese with friends tomorrow for lunch.

also I need ideas on how to wear my boyfriend khakis, I've had them forever and mostly just made them preppy staples by wearing them with cashmere sweaters.

I love this dress and since it's only $23 I think it might be my next purchase. I'm thinking about wearing it with grey tights and color block flats. it's simple and would be a perfect outfit for one of those days where it's just like "whatever".
it might be a bit short, it's 31 inches from sholder to hem, i'll have to try it on at forever21 instead of just buying in online.

Black Sharpie X's.

2008-10-12T22:03:00.005-06:00

i went to a concert tonight.
the band that my brother is in: The Roysslin Band was playing.
also on the list: Nicholas Runkle, Ashley Thomas, Green Is Gold, Dream-Note, And Now Presenting…, Have You Seen Jordan?, BendtheSky.
check them out. some are a bit strange, all Colorado locals.

tonight i found a store that i might be in love with. Fancy Tiger, there is a craft store and a clothing store under that same name, they had some pretty sick fabric that i could see from the window. also they had drop spindles and wool, i'm trying to knit a hat with yarn that i spun my self but at this point i only have enough for a stripe so i'm on a quest for some nice wool to spin.
i think i'll try and go there as soon as i have some cash and check it out, maybe blow all my money. gosh i need a job.

Hypocrisy

2008-10-12T00:28:00.001-06:00

my posts are always so short.
that bugs me.

says the blogger in a short post.

oh jeeb, my feet are really cold.

i spill my heart..

2008-10-11T23:57:00.003-06:00

I spill my heart out to the whole internet world, I tell you every thing I can't say.
I can tell perfict strangers everything, but I can't even let my parents know what I aspire to be.
in what ways does this make any sort of sence?
I cringe at the thougth of anyone I know reading this, and knowing it's me.

My Wall. glass?

2008-10-11T23:48:00.002-06:00

On Friday I got asked if I was okay because I looked like I just got terrible news,
that was when I thought I had my strong face on. truth is my world was crashing down.

Today I got asked by someone who didn't really know me, if I was a vegetarian.
the answer is yes.

I thought I was guarded, I thought I was hard to read, but now I feel transparent.

Why is it that the people I need to see me most, probably never will?

Forgive, Regret, or Life is Yours to Miss.

2008-10-11T23:13:00.004-06:00

oh how I wish I could live freely, not over analyze every situation, worry, plan.
oh how I wish I could just...live.
oh how I wish that I could follow my own mantra of shit happens, the sooner you get over it the less life you'll miss.
oh how I made all of these wishes just now, at 11:11, and then wished that I believed in wishes.

I feel so ready to start my life, yet I'm so afraid of how it will turn out.

current mood: stuck, scared, and strangely eager.

The Value of a Photograph.

2008-10-09T21:52:00.007-06:00

What is a photo, can it replace a memory, make it stronger, does losing the photo weaken the thought?
I lost some pictures today, hundreds of pictures, pictures of the best days of my life, there gone, I'm worrying, will the memories disappear too?
it was a simple mistake, I left the SD card where my dog could get it, you see he likes to chew on small plastic things, I left it, remembering too late.
I didn't back up the photos either, another mistake, my computer wasn't cooperating, I just didn't have the time, excuses, excuses, they don't lessen the guilt.
regret, guilt, the worst emotions in the world.
will a simple mistake erase the memories, or can I hold on to them with out the photos.
the candid moments, the love caught in digital form, the priceless moments that can never be captured again, the way the sun hit the mountain perfectly, the proud looks on our faces, will we forget all this, because a silly mistake?
will I still remember how it felt to be on that mountain flying like an eagle without the picture to remind me.
I hope I can never forget.

A Retched Story?

2008-10-08T22:45:00.004-06:00

okay I got Cosmo girl in the mail today (horrible mag, I know, its my guilty pleasure) I wasn't able to look at it till just now due to a serious of of unfortunate circumstances, but finally I am able to read it. I slowly skim page-by page, till I get to page 10, the editors letter, it's then that I pretty much lose it and run to the computer and start blogging.
before I get to the contents of page 10 I have to tell you a bit about my homecoming dress.
I decided to make my dress after finding some amazing teal silk with a large graphic floral print.
I found this fabric at Denver Fabrics, the place to go if your ever looking for any type of fabric and you happen to be in the Denver metro area of Colorado, USA. like really you can find every thing there.
okay back to my dress, I make my homecoming dress and wear it to homecoming thinking that there won't be (or at least that I will see) anyone else wearing any thing like it, ever. well there wasn't at homecoming, but today I learned something about Denver fabrics, and Susan the editor of Cosmo girl, or at lest the fabric manufacture that the company that made her shirt uses.
my dress, and her shirt are made out of the very same fabric. The very same. Which tells me that Denver fabrics is buying directly from the manufacturers, and is buying the overstocks and ends. so this means that about the same time that Denver fabrics has something and I am able to make something out of it, clothes made out of it are showing up in stores.
I think this makes me look like a lame copy cat.
aghhhh.
I guess I'll have to be more careful next time.
pictures of my dress and the shirt up tomorrow, definitely.

Finaly Cold Enough

2008-10-08T21:13:00.004-06:00

Finally, Finally, its starting to get colder,
cold enough to wear massive, chunky sweaters with stovepipe jeans, corduroys and tailored pea coats, dresses over opaque tights. long sleeve tees with scarves, vests and tunics, and what I'm most looking forward to...
it's finally getting cold enough to wear dark dim colors with out looking like a sore thumb in a see of brights.

This fall I'm planning on playing with proportions and draping loads.
I can't wait for the temperature to stay below 50 all day.
please hold off on the snow though mother nature, atleast untill I have found some boots.

Inspiration and Plans.

2008-10-08T19:57:00.016-06:00

I took a trip to my favorite store today,
Denver Fabrics.

I found my love, this pattern.

I'm thinking that I'm going to make the shirt

(I love the detailing of the tabs on the sleeves, but it's a bit hard to see)

out of a massive abstract flower print knit that I found in my mom's sewing room.

or I might use the fabric for a high waisted skirt.
my head is spinning.

I also found some sweater knit in the bargain by the pound bins ($1.50) and still deciding if I want a cardigan or a vest, there's enough fabric to make both, but really? a vest AND cardigan out of the same fabric? lame!

I am in the middle of renovating a dress that I got from forever 21 that has a serious case of buyers remorse.

hopefully it will be a bit more wearable after I'm done.

Pictures of the fabric and "before" dress up soon, I'll need input.

also I'll get up pictures of the things I made in the last month, pinkie swear.

sorry this post is lame and rambling, but I'm excited!

Name Change

2008-10-06T21:42:00.002-06:00

I want to change the spelling of my name.
to the irish spelling.
maria, instead of the mariah it is now.
so what if people pronouce it wrong, i can correct them.

Monday

2008-10-06T17:51:00.003-06:00

Monday is my favorite day of the week, really it is.
Monday is the one day of the week where I feel ready to take on the world, I'm rested, or at least have gotten a bit of sleep over the weekend, have some of my homework done, and am all around in a good mood.
today was not so great though,

The pessimist in me would take that as a sign and write the whole week off as crap before it even happens. luckily, overall I'm probably one of the most optimistic people you'll met, so i figure that it can't really get much worse, i mean, a broken toe, a C on a Spanish quiz and B's on math and science tests (yes really B's make me stressed), and after the nice guilt trips from my mom about how busy her life is, the day kind of sucked, but I think that really this week is not that hard to improve on. If the throbbing and swelling of my toe would stop and the blood stain would come off of my sandal, i would be in a ridiculously good mood.
and if I get all my homework done, that would be a plus.

Mood Swing

2008-10-05T16:42:00.003-06:00

I have realized,
I am really happy right now,
and don't remember why I was down earlier.

and now I am going to have a life outside my blog.
maybe get around to some homework.

Mononucleosis

2008-10-05T16:33:00.004-06:00

Some of my friends have mono...I'm tempted to try and come down with it myself.
I know, it will cause more harm than I can handle.
but boy, is it tempting.

6th of the Day, 5th of October

2008-10-05T16:17:00.003-06:00

I have realized how little i can manage to get done in a day, especially when I have so much to do.
I want to become a vegetable for a while, do nothing, and not show up for school.
but that can not happen anytime soon.
and not at all this week.

I feel a major panic attack coming...sooner than I can handle...oh why do I put so much pressure on myself?

I'm becoming red bull dependent.
how long will it be till I can't take it anymore?
pretty soon, I think.

lack of...

2008-10-05T14:08:00.005-06:00

Some days I want to be a fashion designer, the passion for creating something, sewing something so basic yet powerful, so fundamental but ever changing as clothes, is so strong that I want to devote my life to it.
Others, fashion seems pointless, egotistical, and materialistic. Like maybe I could find something more worth while than designing overpriced clothes that serve no purpose other than to show style, status. With all the problems in the world shouldn't I be focused on fixing them instead of fashion?
Those days I want to become a scientist, or a special education teacher, or something that could make an impact not only on the world but on an individual. those days I question whether I want to be remembered for how I dress, what I make, or who I help?
those days I feel like I'm living a lie, I feel unmotivated, like a waste of space.

you only get one chance with life, I fear I might waste mine.

lightrail

2008-10-05T13:58:00.002-06:00

I love riding light rail sitting so I'm looking backwards.
Seeing the world fall away instead of rush closer.

good night

2008-10-05T00:26:00.003-06:00

6 hours...till life starts again,
till the suspention of night, is broken.

swallowing feelings

2008-10-05T00:16:00.005-06:00

I simile too much and cry when it’s too hard to feel.
Dream about lifetimes so far from mine.
Struggle to breath, the air is too heavy.
Waiting and wishing to get out of this place,
Do something with this life of mine.
Every second I’ve spent with you, has meant everything to me.
do you know who you are? I don't think I've told you.
we’ll make it through, treasure our battle scars.
There are times that hurt to remember, I miss them so much.
But I can't wait to have the chance to do it again, make memories, even more valuable.
do i miss the past, yes, do i fear the future, more. regrets? loads
would i trade this life for something Else? never.
why? hope.

relitive time

2008-10-05T00:08:00.004-06:00

I've been thinking, what is time? a unit of measure I know. but how can it feel so different, go by so fast, tick so slowly. can we change it? affect it? or is it set, the one thing in my world set in stone. is it really the independent variable of life or dependent on something else? I don't know, I'm feeling philosophical, nostalgic, lonely, somethings i can't quite put my finger on. Can someone explain it, does it matter, do i care?

Stimulating the Economy

2008-10-03T21:49:00.013-06:00

I went shopping today!
spent too much, but at least now I have cute shoes. got some brown peep toe sling backs and color block flats, also hit the Old Navy clearance rack and got some blue and white t-strap sandals to replace my flip-flops I've taken to wearing daily. also bought a black windbreaker, navy and white tunic, white tanks, and some charcoal gray tights. I still need to get some black opaque tights, because I loath leggings, they are gross, just wear real tights ladies, please.
I have loads of pictures that i need to get up, but without a camera at the moment it is difficult.
I'm sleepy so good night.

The First Writings

2008-09-24T18:15:00.005-06:00

another stereotypical blog, another person looking for someone to listen, notice. someplace to express my talents (or lack of). ranting, empty thoughts written in cyberspace. fashion, life, feelings, me.
hope you enjoy, find something that affects you, changes your outlook, maybe. if you do, please help me change mine.