I guess you could call this my third new year's post.

with two days and 13 minutes to go till 2009, I think my new years post is due.
last new years was I guess the start of something new, the new confident fashionable, happy me.

my friend had black tie masquerade party, I wore a lovely little green and blue silk mini dress with elbow length tie sleeves, some little quilted flats and a silver mask with peacock feathers.
the dress was one of the first things that I made and really loved to wear. but that night while dancing with all my friends hidden behind my mask, in such a great dress, I felt infinite. there is no other way to describe it, it is true what they say about when people wear a mask they show more of their true self. I was me that night, that party inspired my over lying philosophy of 2008. find my self. I kept a journal for part of the last year, mostly on days I felt terrible or I felt great, every single one of those entries was about being my self, being trapped, or feeling free. I kept saying if only I could just get out of this town, get out of this school, meat new people, I kept thinking that if I was around people who didn't know me then I would find myself.
looking back on it, after school ended and I was free from the confining halls of middle school, I spent my summer working at a camp. I met people that I never would have, and now have the strongest friends of my life. I was honest this summer, with my self, and others, and mostly that helped me be comfortable with me.
my last entry in that journal was in September, right before I started this blog, I don't remember writing this or feeling it, but I wrote of my fear, I was becoming the lost person I was, and it felt like everything I became over the summer was the lie, because I was slipping back into old habits old thoughts.
I don't feel that anymore, I feel infinite again.
I know that having other people around me doesn't make me act like my self, it's my inner strength. I learned through this year that no one is going to make me who I want to be, it's me, and I have to stop wishing and waiting, and just do what ever it is that I want.
I'm doing pretty good right now, most of my fear and everything else that has held me back is gone, but I need this to continue, so this brings my philosophy of 2009.
be fearless, make an impact, and make some great memories.

fearless, it's easy to say that now, I am sitting in my house, relaxed after a couple weeks of vacation, I hope that I can still be fearless, feel infinite back at school.
I think I can, gosh that sounds like that story of the little train, remember that?
I know I can.

For my friends this I believe essay she wrote of her undying human spirit and inner strength, this year I realize I had one, next year I won't be afraid of it.

I have grown this last year, so 2009 should be even better.

this is my mantra for '09:
I am strong, I am me, I am the best me, not because I am better than others or perfect, it is because I am fearless and free.

it is not intentional that it rhymes, but sorta nice.