letters

my friends have been doing this on their myspaces and stuff, writing letters to different friends and people in there lives, I'm not ready for everyone in my life to read these so I'm posting on here.


you were my best friend, I ruined it with you so long ago, I'm lazy and self centered, or those are my excesses for never reconnecting, I hope I can tell you that I still love you, that your still my best friend, but its been 5 years, 5 fucking years, I think it's too late. I hope it's not, I run past your house sometimes, I fight the urge to go and ring your bell, ask if you want to play, like we used to.

you're always going to be there for me, we have so much fun, you helped me through so much, just by being there, never asking questions, just letting me come over, hibernate in you house and rearrange your closet. I feel like part of you family, I mean I have my own tooth brush at your house, I love you! we don't hang out so much any more, but I don't fear losing you, we always find time. forever well make cakes, eat lucky charms, yell at each other till we just have to laugh, be amazing together, go on summer solstice camping trips in your back yard, plan each other's future, argue about the best movies, anything and everything, you'll be my best fiend forever and ever, or at least till we die, or kill each other, and then there's the (small) possibility that we'll just stop being friends.

I would never have called you my friend, your were my locker partner, the kid I've known since kindergarten, but now I now that you mean more to me than that, you mean so much. that year was hard, but looking back on it, I wouldn't have done it any differently, after spending 7 hours straight with you every day all year, we have so many stories and memories, I never see you anymore, but I know I could call you up and we would hang, just go to the park, do whatever, it doesn't matter with you. we haven't been locker partners in years but I'll always refer to you as that.

you, as a group, are the people I would give anything for, anything to see, I love you more than I could ever say, you are my "family", I didn't chose you, we came together by fate, and we all got along, my "big sisters" my friends. we have been through so much together, and in 6 years we'll do it all over again. hopefully I'll see you every summer till then. I don't know much about your lives outside of your summer skin, and sometimes it's hard to connect when I feel like you are different people. I'll never forget those weeks. never. I know you'll be there for me always, there's not a question that i can tell you anything, and you would do anything for me. the moments, each of the memories, are so special, I'll never forget any of you, thank you for the best weeks of my life, thank you for loving me, not judging, thank you for giving me hope, a reason. I love you guys!

your not my friends, I've never been close with you, and I get the felling that you hate me. I've started to spend lunch in the library instead of sitting with you. sometimes you'll hang out with me, but its for the same reasons I hang out with you, there's no one else around. we talk, laugh, but that's it, were acquaintances and nothing more than that, sometimes I wish I could be close with you guys, but you have such a passive aggressive nature that I just cant help but feel like an outsider.

I fell like your the only one that could understand me, what I'm going through, I mean you lived it. sometimes I feel like your deserting me, that your leaving me to fend for myself. I wouldn't ever ask you to stay, I know that this is harder for you than it is for me. I wouldn't want to hold you back. I'll never forget all the times that you have stood up for me. not only with them but every one else too. the times when you gave me advice, or were just there to talk to them when I had enough. we used to fight with each other by you've for for me countless times more.

one of my earliest memories of you is when you went to college, you packed your stuff, we loaded it in to your car, I only ever saw you when you came by for laundry, for birthdays, for Christmas. despite as never being close, I looked up to you more than anything, in kindergarten you were my hero, I remember bragging about you to my friends, I remember dancing with you to 90's music and being afraid of the vacuum sucking me up. I used to wake you up so you wouldn't be late for school. now it seems like your perfect, responsible, everything I'm not, yet you say you look up to me, and that is what keeps me from drowning in your shadow.

I didn't chose you, and we have never been that close. I used to wish that I could tell you anything, that we had a family like on 7th heaven. that dream's not working out too great. I don't blame you, you didn't mess her up to bad, she's a functional person, him though, he could use some love, you hurt him so much, and me too, by your words, those words cut deep, slice open old wounds right when the have begun to heal. you never told him congrats, never, he made it though, despite what you thought, he made it. me though, I still have time in this house, I need you to love me, when did you last say it? i don't remember it's been so long, I haven't heard those words in years, I almost say them sometimes, but the stick in my throat, I can't get my self to say them...maybe if you say them first. maybe this is what you think too, maybe your too scared to be vulnerable, maybe I need to take the first step. if there's anything you've given me is pride, and strength, maybe I'm too strong sometimes, too ridged, but I just don't want to disappoint.I love you though, more than life, it's a love I don't understand, a love mixed with empathy, I see more of my self in you guys than anyone else, and at times its scary. sometimes I hate you, for the way you raised us, but mostly I say thanks, because if I can survive this, you, then I can take on anything.

I can't stand you, I don't know why but I cant take you. maybe its the way you try too hard, you will do anything for friends, don't you see that's the thing that's preventing you from having any.

wow we have fun, I never know what you think of me, I never get too attached, I used to be so envious of you, I used to want to be you, I can't say that I still don't want parts of your life, it's just I think I fit better in to my own. I still remember the first time I saw you in 6th grade, I know exactly what you were wearing, I wanted your outfit for mine, you were perfect, we became friends fast, stupid jokes and laughter, you never seem to really care, and that's what I love about you. we spend loads of time together and can convince people were sisters, we sit next to each other all the time because of our last names. even if it's by first name we still manage to be right by each other. you're a constant in my life, always there, in the same classes, we do the same stuff, but it never gets old. I've reached the point with you that it doesn't matter if we agree, or that I look "cool" to you, it's just like whatever. you don't seem to pretend, and that's what I admire about you.

it's awkward seeing you now, I wonder if you think about it still, I wonder if you think about if I'm thinking about it. we haven't spoken in years, even though we live 2 houses away. you were one of my first friends, my first "boyfriend", if you could have called it that. those days were fun, but now they're a distant memory, I think I want to keep it that way.

remember that time, before we could understand each other, when we played with play dough, and mixed all the colors to make a chocolate cake? i don't know how but we communicated enough that you promised to teach me polish as soon as you learned English. i haven't learned yet but we'll get around to it. i haven't always liked you, you were annoying, but you are like my sister now, i love you neighborino.

you were the good out of a bad situation, I lost friends forever, but then got you, we were such an odd pair when I first walked across the street to hang with you, in my bright orange hoodie, we blew bubbles, that was fun. now you are one of my greatest heroes, you've been through so much, sometimes I think that you should be older than me, you certainly act like it. you've never cared about how people see you either, you cut your hair and it was instantly cool. we go on so many adventures together. you take such amazing pictures, we can argue politics, music, fashion all day and then just end up laughing and walking to the grocery store. Neighborino dos, I love you!

you have more compassion that anyone I've ever met. I barely know you yet you love me like a daughter, I would never know how to tell you this, but you mean so much to me.

I don't know any thing about you anymore, a smile, a wave, that's all. we used to be great friends, I guess we've been growing apart the last year or so, I knew, I just didn't want to see it, I miss you. sometimes you make me mad though, the way you have the need to tell me that your mom took you on a major shopping spree to get all new clothes, the way you can brag. I love you none the less, let's be friends still, I think there's a hope.

I think you know more about me than i would like you to, I don't really trust you, I'm scared that you have me all figured out, that you know. I lost it in front of you that one time, and I fear that's all it takes to know my problems, you saw me, a glimpse of my non-perfect life, and I wish that you didn't. you have such an ego though, but care so much, I don't know about you. I think your hiding things too, and I hope you wont judge me.

there's so much I don't know how to say it to you.

I saw you once, I don't know you, but that smile, made my day, when you helped me pick up the things i couldn't carry, it showed me that good people are out there, gave me the inspiration do go out of my way to help someone else. its a cycle, and thanks for keeping it going.