let's just see how this turns out.

Well here is that deep reflective post everyone. it may or may not be as deep as you hoped for seeing as I am typing it all about eleven at night and I’m really tired.

so basically I can already tell that this is going to be long and rambling, you might want to put on some warm socks and grab some tea, or if its warm grab a few Popsicles and eat a orange on for me.

People start making new years resolutions at this time of year, but for me the year is split into three parts, first semester, second semester and summer. So I make resolutions at the beginnings of each new time period. Here are my resolutions for second semester, but mostly they aren't about school, because all than about two of them were about school last time and that sorta messed up some things for me.
There was that show on a while ago I think it only lasted a few episodes on network TV and now its on myspace TV, but I liked it, and ultimately I think it’s what first put the idea of blogging into my head and what makes me more scared than anything that what I write in this blog is going to get me in trouble, Quarterlife it was called, the name made me think of what I read or heard some where about how there are midlife crises that happen in people's 50's and quarterlife crises that happen when your 25ish and then eightlife crises that happen when you are in high school. the show also made me think of other things, also the book Perks of being a wall flower makes me think of this, but when I watched this show something in it made me think, I have the same thoughts as someone out there, and someone else has though these things and gone through what I have gone through, and instead of feeling comforted by that, I felt scared and worthless, because what is the point, with so many people in the world how is one person ever going to do anything different and useful because even if you don’t do it someone else is bound to do it. people are replaceable, maybe not individuals but ideas, what people contribute and after your gone and all the people who personally knew you are gone then its pretty much like you weren’t here, even if you make a massive impact on life, and history, someone was bound to be thinking the same thing and the same things would have gotten accomplished at some point. so basically I was thinking of this and thinking of the eightlife crisis that I’m bound to have, and then I thought, why should I wait until after I realize that I lost myself until I start looking for who I am, I had this idea in the back of my head for a while, to find my self before I have the chance to lose myself, it wasn’t really a conscious effort and I only realize it now that I think about it, but I’ve been checking out a lot of self help books, reading inspirational novels, doing everything I can to find who I am, and yet in all of this searching I am no closer to who I am. I guess I set off on this little journey focused on who I wanted to be, who I had the potential to be, I wanted to change my self instead of just be myself, so now that I realize all of this I need to go in a different direction before I tell you my resolutions.
mann I did say I wasn’t going to talk about parents or family on this blog but I fell like I need to. my family is not close, we talk to each other for only a few reasons, we need a ride some where, chores need to be done, talking about dinner and grocery shopping, school and grades, and pretty much every one of those conversations end in some screaming and crying and there are always too many broken dishes and holes in the walls. don’t get my wrong, I like my family, I love them mostly, just spending more than 10 minutes talking about my day in the car ride home is sorta hard, we went to counseling a few years ago, that just turned in to two hour blame sessions trying to get a third party to be on our own side. We don’t really talk other than to yell at each other for leaving stuff around the house or for being late or something like that. It’s not so bad really you are going to have to believe me; I don’t come from a broken home, just one that’s a bit dysfunctional. My sister doesn’t really understand this, for she grew up as an only child till she was ten and has great relationships with both the parentals, my brother understands it more than anything, he’s had it harder than me, the pressure has been more and because of the lack of communication has never really heard good job. But the main reason I got off on this tangent was to explain my parents, my mom is a type a aggressive hypocritical person, she exaggerates and has completely perfected the guilt trip and my favorite trait of her personality (not) might just be how she asks everyone to go get things for her, like she will walk from her room down stairs and forget her water glass, and instead of going back up and getting it, she will be like, oh can someone get my water I left it up stairs. My dad is completely passive aggressive, a pack rat and pretty much a workaholic, he’s on antidepressants and is the parent that we go to if we need something or want to get away with something. With each day I notice that I am becoming my mom, I exaggerate, I am a major hypocrite, and I ask people to do things for me just like her, I’ll be standing by the fridge making some food and I’ll ask some one else to grab something from inside. The good parts of her I am fine with having, but when I notice the very things that make it hard to be anywhere near her in myself, I hate it.
And this my friends leads me to the whole point of this, my resolutions for this semester, most of them will probably make my new years resolution list too.

1. Keep exaggeration to a minimum.

2. Stop complaining as much, I saw this thing on Oprah about this guy trying to start a no complaining phenomenon and has these bracelets that each time you complain you switch wrists and the theory is that after a while the habit of complaining will be broken because you make a conscious effort not to. I think I will try something like it.

3. Do not wear sweatpants, looking halfway presentable has not been my priority this last semester and that needs to change, fashion is hopefully what I am going to do with my life so sweatpants aren’t really acceptable.

whoa, and a random and completely unrelated note, I just glanced at the clock and its about a hour and a half after I started writing this, and it hasn’t really seamed like more than forty five minutes.

4. Be more honest with what I know. Okay so we all have those times when we don’t no what someone else is talking about, but we pretend to just so we don’t look stupid and such, but every always knows and you end up looking stupider. I met this girl this summer and she would openly admit what she didn’t know, and that was one of the most admirable traits about her. I figure that if I am just open like that about what I don’t know than nothing can come back you bit me, like when I tell someone yeah I love that band, and never had heard of it and they give me the CD for Christmas.

5. Stretch everyday. This is on my list every time and has been from about second grade. I am the least flexible person ever and that needs to change. I might have a chance, I have been really into yoga lately and think I could totally do it everyday.

6. Start being what I want to be now instead of planning for the future. I figure that why wait till I’m old to start living my life, I’ll just start now. Easier said than done though.

7. Avoid what I hated about last semester. I will explain this next.


Even though the whole point of this list is to better my life this time it’s more imperative. I don’t know what I became this semester, but it’s not who I wanted to be. I spent too much time thinking about school and grades and not actually doing enough about it that it didn’t really help. I was focused on one thing and spent the rest of my time beating myself up about not having it work out for me. Everything I was I lost or just put on the back burner and forgot. And keeping with that little metaphor, forgot about it till whatever was in it turned to ashes I burnt through the bottom of the pot and caught the house on fire. my main goal for these next three weeks is to remind my self of the things that used to make me, well me and I need to focus on those things if I have a chance of surviving and not turning into someone how just waits for life to start, and never has a chance to live.
I think that’s my greatest fear not really living, just watching life go by and always missing what could have been,
this is almost three pages in a word document so I think I will stop it here I’ll probably type some more later, but by the way you should watch quarterlife because I’ve been watching it while typing this all and its really good.
I am scared and uncertain about where I want to go at this point of my life. Part of me thinks well I will have time later, I don’t need to worry, it will work its self out.
and then I know that life doesn’t come to people who sit around waiting for the right time, like that Jack London quote “You can't wait for inspiration, you have to go after it with a club."

well good bye for now, hoped you enjoyed this long note.

Mariah.