bleep, bloob, blarge

I'm starting a live journal I think.
hmm.
maybe.
my mom got her self a digital camera for Christmas, and my dad now has a web cam in his work lap top.
this means I have the ability to take pictures, witch means I can now have a personal style blog, but with a focus on the things I sew myself.
maybe.

I would enjoy some input on what my new blog should be called.
it might be on blogger still, probably, so strike the live journal idea.
I think I will delete this blog, no just kidding I am too attached.
I want to some days, but I can't.
I fell a bit insane at the moment.
I'm counting down the moments till 2009,
but the truth is that I hate when people say, oh well this will be different because it's a new year.
it won't be though, it's just tomorrow, just another day, so the fact that the day has a new title doesn't make it different.
you do.

so just do something about it.
I have loads of built up energy.
I feel like I could run 10 miles, maybe I will.
I will. today's the day to change things.
maybe, it's scary, though not as fright inducing as the alternative.

does this post make sense, I'm thinking no.
oh well, I just typed what ever came into my mind,
but for reals I need ideas on a new name for a new blog.
I'm off to run, to stop thinking, to let go.

well then.

I think I might take the next few weeks off from blogging.
Five days till school starts again, mann, I still have to finish (and by that I mean start) my winter assignments.
Such as reading A Whole New Mind by Daniel Pink.
My class is having a nice little discussion with him about his book and the ideas that a brought up in it, this is happening sometime in the next couple of weeks.
So far I have read the first 7 pages, wow. only a million and a half more to go.

But I need to focus on school and such right now, so I'll be pretty scarce until I get back into the swing of things.

Hmm, I have this idea, I'll tell you about it in another post, maybe on Friday?
I'll get to it soon.

I guess you could call this my third new year's post.

with two days and 13 minutes to go till 2009, I think my new years post is due.
last new years was I guess the start of something new, the new confident fashionable, happy me.

my friend had black tie masquerade party, I wore a lovely little green and blue silk mini dress with elbow length tie sleeves, some little quilted flats and a silver mask with peacock feathers.
the dress was one of the first things that I made and really loved to wear. but that night while dancing with all my friends hidden behind my mask, in such a great dress, I felt infinite. there is no other way to describe it, it is true what they say about when people wear a mask they show more of their true self. I was me that night, that party inspired my over lying philosophy of 2008. find my self. I kept a journal for part of the last year, mostly on days I felt terrible or I felt great, every single one of those entries was about being my self, being trapped, or feeling free. I kept saying if only I could just get out of this town, get out of this school, meat new people, I kept thinking that if I was around people who didn't know me then I would find myself.
looking back on it, after school ended and I was free from the confining halls of middle school, I spent my summer working at a camp. I met people that I never would have, and now have the strongest friends of my life. I was honest this summer, with my self, and others, and mostly that helped me be comfortable with me.
my last entry in that journal was in September, right before I started this blog, I don't remember writing this or feeling it, but I wrote of my fear, I was becoming the lost person I was, and it felt like everything I became over the summer was the lie, because I was slipping back into old habits old thoughts.
I don't feel that anymore, I feel infinite again.
I know that having other people around me doesn't make me act like my self, it's my inner strength. I learned through this year that no one is going to make me who I want to be, it's me, and I have to stop wishing and waiting, and just do what ever it is that I want.
I'm doing pretty good right now, most of my fear and everything else that has held me back is gone, but I need this to continue, so this brings my philosophy of 2009.
be fearless, make an impact, and make some great memories.

fearless, it's easy to say that now, I am sitting in my house, relaxed after a couple weeks of vacation, I hope that I can still be fearless, feel infinite back at school.
I think I can, gosh that sounds like that story of the little train, remember that?
I know I can.

For my friends this I believe essay she wrote of her undying human spirit and inner strength, this year I realize I had one, next year I won't be afraid of it.

I have grown this last year, so 2009 should be even better.

this is my mantra for '09:
I am strong, I am me, I am the best me, not because I am better than others or perfect, it is because I am fearless and free.

it is not intentional that it rhymes, but sorta nice.

if I could own any of these watches I think my life would be complete. especially the first one.

images thanks to oobject.

I don't really know about anything at the moment and I would take the time to type it all and try to figure it not but frankly, there's a large part of my that doesn't care.
I suck at this whole blogging thing recently.
my deepest apologies.
I'll try to write more, or at least something more meaningful.

Christmas was a good one this year,
that's all I have to say right now,
I need to think about some stuff I'll get back to you on what I decide.

I am.

there will be another time

I believe in selective hearing, not in the negative way of you only hear what you what to hear, but I believe that your subconscious focuses you in the direction that you need to be, and makes you hear more of what you need to.
okay well I just re-read that and it sounds a bit too Freudian for me so let my put it a different way.
have you ever learned a new vocabulary word and right after the first time you learned it you hear it all the time? I seriously doubt that this is because people are saying it more, it's just it's sorta on your mind so you pick it out in normal conversations and reading more.
does this happen to you, or is it just me?

okay well on my lovely orientation day way back in august some one talked all about participating and living life, basically he said stuff to the same effect as what Sam tells Charlie in the end of The Perks of Being a Wallflower about how he needs to do what he wants and actually live. sorry for all the references to this book but I just finished listening to the audio version of it, and I guess I really connected to it. also you should probably read it, because it's really goooodd. well okay back to the point, also a few weeks ago this motivational speaker came to our school, and his whole thing was all about how especially in high school you lose your self and become part of the crowd, he said this one thing that really struck me about how when you are in elementary school your hands were always in the air waving even when you didn't know the answer, but now you barely raise your hand above your head, and you only do when you are certain of your answer. the raw enthusiasm is gone, the will to learn and try for no other reason than yourself, and have you noticed that when your little nothing matters the labels that are put on people, rich, poor, cool, lame, none of those exist till later. my favorite picture ever is in my first grade year book, it's of two kids that I have gone to school with forever, kissing, fast-forward and now the girl's hair is purple and she is quite "indie" and the boy is playing varsity football and is I guess a "jock". I'm still pretty close with both of them and when I showed them this picture we talked about how strange it is because they haven't really talked in a few years, and probably the only thing keeping them from being best friends is their labels. I know I have stoped hanging out with people because I didn't think they were cool enough, I see them in the halls sometimes and start to wave, but then remember that I sorta ruined our friendship a few years back. I feel terrible about this.

if there is one label I want it's "girl who talks to everyone, girl that does whatever she wants, girl that is nice to everyone"
I think I'll start working towards that, because I want that to be my reputation by the time I leave the halls of high school.

okay to sum up this nice post I'll finish with what I started with selective hearing, I keep hearing the same themes over and over again in everything, "don't be afraid of living, don't let labels hold you back, get out there." I think this is because it's what I need to hear, I would probably have gained a different lesson from those books and speeches if I didn't.

let's just see how this turns out.

Well here is that deep reflective post everyone. it may or may not be as deep as you hoped for seeing as I am typing it all about eleven at night and I’m really tired.

so basically I can already tell that this is going to be long and rambling, you might want to put on some warm socks and grab some tea, or if its warm grab a few Popsicles and eat a orange on for me.

People start making new years resolutions at this time of year, but for me the year is split into three parts, first semester, second semester and summer. So I make resolutions at the beginnings of each new time period. Here are my resolutions for second semester, but mostly they aren't about school, because all than about two of them were about school last time and that sorta messed up some things for me.
There was that show on a while ago I think it only lasted a few episodes on network TV and now its on myspace TV, but I liked it, and ultimately I think it’s what first put the idea of blogging into my head and what makes me more scared than anything that what I write in this blog is going to get me in trouble, Quarterlife it was called, the name made me think of what I read or heard some where about how there are midlife crises that happen in people's 50's and quarterlife crises that happen when your 25ish and then eightlife crises that happen when you are in high school. the show also made me think of other things, also the book Perks of being a wall flower makes me think of this, but when I watched this show something in it made me think, I have the same thoughts as someone out there, and someone else has though these things and gone through what I have gone through, and instead of feeling comforted by that, I felt scared and worthless, because what is the point, with so many people in the world how is one person ever going to do anything different and useful because even if you don’t do it someone else is bound to do it. people are replaceable, maybe not individuals but ideas, what people contribute and after your gone and all the people who personally knew you are gone then its pretty much like you weren’t here, even if you make a massive impact on life, and history, someone was bound to be thinking the same thing and the same things would have gotten accomplished at some point. so basically I was thinking of this and thinking of the eightlife crisis that I’m bound to have, and then I thought, why should I wait until after I realize that I lost myself until I start looking for who I am, I had this idea in the back of my head for a while, to find my self before I have the chance to lose myself, it wasn’t really a conscious effort and I only realize it now that I think about it, but I’ve been checking out a lot of self help books, reading inspirational novels, doing everything I can to find who I am, and yet in all of this searching I am no closer to who I am. I guess I set off on this little journey focused on who I wanted to be, who I had the potential to be, I wanted to change my self instead of just be myself, so now that I realize all of this I need to go in a different direction before I tell you my resolutions.
mann I did say I wasn’t going to talk about parents or family on this blog but I fell like I need to. my family is not close, we talk to each other for only a few reasons, we need a ride some where, chores need to be done, talking about dinner and grocery shopping, school and grades, and pretty much every one of those conversations end in some screaming and crying and there are always too many broken dishes and holes in the walls. don’t get my wrong, I like my family, I love them mostly, just spending more than 10 minutes talking about my day in the car ride home is sorta hard, we went to counseling a few years ago, that just turned in to two hour blame sessions trying to get a third party to be on our own side. We don’t really talk other than to yell at each other for leaving stuff around the house or for being late or something like that. It’s not so bad really you are going to have to believe me; I don’t come from a broken home, just one that’s a bit dysfunctional. My sister doesn’t really understand this, for she grew up as an only child till she was ten and has great relationships with both the parentals, my brother understands it more than anything, he’s had it harder than me, the pressure has been more and because of the lack of communication has never really heard good job. But the main reason I got off on this tangent was to explain my parents, my mom is a type a aggressive hypocritical person, she exaggerates and has completely perfected the guilt trip and my favorite trait of her personality (not) might just be how she asks everyone to go get things for her, like she will walk from her room down stairs and forget her water glass, and instead of going back up and getting it, she will be like, oh can someone get my water I left it up stairs. My dad is completely passive aggressive, a pack rat and pretty much a workaholic, he’s on antidepressants and is the parent that we go to if we need something or want to get away with something. With each day I notice that I am becoming my mom, I exaggerate, I am a major hypocrite, and I ask people to do things for me just like her, I’ll be standing by the fridge making some food and I’ll ask some one else to grab something from inside. The good parts of her I am fine with having, but when I notice the very things that make it hard to be anywhere near her in myself, I hate it.
And this my friends leads me to the whole point of this, my resolutions for this semester, most of them will probably make my new years resolution list too.

1. Keep exaggeration to a minimum.

2. Stop complaining as much, I saw this thing on Oprah about this guy trying to start a no complaining phenomenon and has these bracelets that each time you complain you switch wrists and the theory is that after a while the habit of complaining will be broken because you make a conscious effort not to. I think I will try something like it.

3. Do not wear sweatpants, looking halfway presentable has not been my priority this last semester and that needs to change, fashion is hopefully what I am going to do with my life so sweatpants aren’t really acceptable.

whoa, and a random and completely unrelated note, I just glanced at the clock and its about a hour and a half after I started writing this, and it hasn’t really seamed like more than forty five minutes.

4. Be more honest with what I know. Okay so we all have those times when we don’t no what someone else is talking about, but we pretend to just so we don’t look stupid and such, but every always knows and you end up looking stupider. I met this girl this summer and she would openly admit what she didn’t know, and that was one of the most admirable traits about her. I figure that if I am just open like that about what I don’t know than nothing can come back you bit me, like when I tell someone yeah I love that band, and never had heard of it and they give me the CD for Christmas.

5. Stretch everyday. This is on my list every time and has been from about second grade. I am the least flexible person ever and that needs to change. I might have a chance, I have been really into yoga lately and think I could totally do it everyday.

6. Start being what I want to be now instead of planning for the future. I figure that why wait till I’m old to start living my life, I’ll just start now. Easier said than done though.

7. Avoid what I hated about last semester. I will explain this next.


Even though the whole point of this list is to better my life this time it’s more imperative. I don’t know what I became this semester, but it’s not who I wanted to be. I spent too much time thinking about school and grades and not actually doing enough about it that it didn’t really help. I was focused on one thing and spent the rest of my time beating myself up about not having it work out for me. Everything I was I lost or just put on the back burner and forgot. And keeping with that little metaphor, forgot about it till whatever was in it turned to ashes I burnt through the bottom of the pot and caught the house on fire. my main goal for these next three weeks is to remind my self of the things that used to make me, well me and I need to focus on those things if I have a chance of surviving and not turning into someone how just waits for life to start, and never has a chance to live.
I think that’s my greatest fear not really living, just watching life go by and always missing what could have been,
this is almost three pages in a word document so I think I will stop it here I’ll probably type some more later, but by the way you should watch quarterlife because I’ve been watching it while typing this all and its really good.
I am scared and uncertain about where I want to go at this point of my life. Part of me thinks well I will have time later, I don’t need to worry, it will work its self out.
and then I know that life doesn’t come to people who sit around waiting for the right time, like that Jack London quote “You can't wait for inspiration, you have to go after it with a club."

well good bye for now, hoped you enjoyed this long note.

Mariah.

The Cagged Bird Sings.

there's a deep-ish reflective post coming maybe soon.
but for now
I am Free.
finals are over, but I have some pretty intense burns on my hands, I grabbed a cake pan...it was basically a bad idea.
today was fun though, other than the testing part.

I like to hold it and pretend it's mine

Every time I go by the Lucky Store I stop in and try on this ring, this massive adornment of perfection.

I really, really want it.

I'm thinking of starting a "buy Mariah the ring fund" if all my friends chip in $5 I'll have it in no time.

if only I had a steady job I would have bought it by now, damn you child labor laws.

I feel odd about stealing my chair back.

last summer my parents had a garage sale and sold my desk chair.
my amazing red chair with a hand embroidered seat,
yeah the padding was a bit lumpy and the paint was chipping, but it's my favorite chair ever.

so I didn't find out who bought this chair until about a month ago when I was over at my friends house and saw it in their garage, I said, "that used to be my chair." she said "really? it's super cool" and that was that.

but today I was leaving for school and I saw the chair, outside by the trash, my chair, my favorite chair.
well the trash men don't come until four so as soon as I came home at one I grabbed the chair,
IT'S MINE AGAIN!!!

what oh what do I say when my friend comes over and is like, "hey you took that from our trash"?
I'm thinking I'll just scream"finders keepers losers weepers."

yeah....

it is negative 8 degrees outside,

negative 8.

granted it is 11 at night, but still...

it didn't get above 6 degrees all day.

Tomorrow I am planning on venturing out into the cold, in my winter "agg I hate this" uniform sweatpants, wool socks, Birkenstock clogs and a hoodie, to take some finals, fail them, come home and study for some more tests in the warmness of my house, tucked into my 0 degree sleeping bag, drinking scorching chi, and hopefully retaining a semester's worth of Spanish curriculum.
mannn, four days, seven finals left till a couple weeks of freedom.

^^^this is from when it snowed over thanksgiving.

right now I think it's too cold for it to be dumping any more powder on us. no hope for a snowday tomorrow.

outstanding procrastination.

I am supposed to be studying for finals,
but I really haven't gotten much work done today,
well really none at all.
I did however, go on an amazing 5 mile run, did yoga for about an hour, gave myself a mani-pedi, took a 45 minute long 338475 degree shower, looked at all my friends myspaces and facebooks, planned my whole summer, filled out financial aid applications, had many tee and biscotti breaks, did my laundry, read thirteen reasons why, watched the entire third season of One Tree Hill on dvd, watched the movie Hair online. looked at about 345862039465 bazillion style blogs , and made some cheese and broccoli soup.
so when I bomb my history and geometry finals on Monday, I can just tell my teachers that I'd rater do all this than study for the finals in their classes... and then give them some soup as a bribe not the fail me in their class.
that will work right?
ahahah mann. I'm going to bed.better get rested for my cram session tomorrow.
oh here are some pictures that have deterred my mind from my school work,

pictures from: postsecret, polaroid a day, Ville Kansanen.

All You Californian Kids.

please, please go shopping at the Built by Wendy west coast closing sale, for your own sake.
I mean 70% off this stuff, how can you pass it up.
makes me wish I was going to be in san fransico or LA before the 28th.
mann.

the second memory monday

I guess since it is Monday and I do have a bit off time, I'll share a short memory.

When I was in preschool, I decided to see if I would be able to fake sick and they would send me home, I didn't particularly want to go home, I just wanted to see if I was capable of this feat.
I walked up to the teacher holding my stomach ,crying a bit, and looking ill, I told her I was going to puke, she ran me to the bathroom, and then such a strange thing happened, I puked, because of how nervous I was that I was going to get caught. I truly became sick.
I have used this tool many times since then, last year I didn't have a major assignment and so I went to the nurses office to say I wasn't feeling good, I turned really white and my temperature was over one hundred degrees (Fahrenheit) and I was shaking. At the sight of my the nurse immediately called my mom and told her I HAD to go home right now. my mom ended up just thinking I hadn't eaten enough protein and gave me a lecture,

but moral of the story is that I am really, really good at pretending to be ill, because I literally make myself sick just by trying.

I just don't have the time to post,

I'll be back the end of December.

it's been a bit since my last post, but I really have nothing to say so will leave you with part of Rachel Comey's spring '09 collection

images from teenvogue.com

The First Memory Monday

There is Mixtape Monday, but I am quite lazy and don't really have the patience to make mixtapes.

So I thought I'd do something nostalgic on my Mondays, because after all Memory Monday is alliteration.

Once, when I was small, it rained, I mean it really pored, for what I remember as weeks, but was really only days,

It rained so much and so forcefully that I couldn't do my favorite outside activity, swing and sing songs while flying throw the air. this made me sad, I prayed for something fantastic to come out of this wretched rain storm.

Finally after such a long while it stoped raining, and the sun came out, and the most vibrant rainbow appeared, a full, across the sky, double decker rainbow.

I ran outside, without my shoes, in my princess dress and super hero cape, and started running down my street, the damp sidewalk cold under my bare feet. I ran past the well known landmarks of my childhood, the spiral mailbox, Paul's cactus, the crab apple tree, the white house, I ran as far as I could will myself to go, past my boundaries, I ran out into the world.

The whole time I was running, I stared at this vibrant rainbow, waiting to see the end, find that pot of gold,and when I had run seven houses down the street, seven houses into the world, I stoped. The rainbow was moving with me, it followed me in the sky, I ran back to my house, and the rainbow never moved, it stayed fixed against the gray sky, even when everything around me moved, even when I was seven houses from safety, it was painted across the sky, in the same spot. I ran back and forth between my house,and the edge of my world and the rainbow was always fixed in the same spot.

I don't remember how this sudden realization impacted my life, how knowing I could never reach the end of the rainbow changed me. All I remember is after a bit I skipped home, with my frozen feet and picked up all the worms from the sidewalk, and threw them back to the grass, back home, so they wouldn't dry out and die.

and in case you need some tunes while reading my rant, check out Bright Eyes