what hurts most, is that when you finally slow down enough, have time to think, you realize you are completely empty inside.
empty, empty, nothing

all the things you focus on, they don't matter really.
but the fear of not having the most mundane, pointless things in your life is worse than not living fully.
the things that are holding you back,also happen to be the things that keep you from drowning.

I am scared.

there are...

19 days

36 days

114 days

183 days

1271 days

...till the day I might start really living my life

please watch Pieces of April.

it's my thanksgiving tradition.

mannn

tonight was amazing!
there was some sick "sledding" down a hill in the lid of a crab shaped sand box, rockband-playing, Nerf wars, shoe throwing, burrito eating, jamming, and everything else.
this has been the best day in a long while,,and tomorrow will hopefully be even better!
I've lately been obsessed with the yeah yeah yeahs song maps.and I can completely ace it on the drums in rockband.

I have a mission,for all those that might read this at any time, tell me one book, one movie, one musician, and one blog that I really need to read/watch/listen/look at right now.

I guess if I am going to give you a challenge I have to do it too, so here it goes:
The Hiding Place, by Corrie Ten Boom, its was a pretty powerful book.
Pan's Labyrinth
Ferron, I don't really know much about him/them, but I grabbed the CD boulder from the library and I sort like it.
SEVENTY TWO WORDS stories with exactly 72 words.


oh and I really enjoy the top below, bows, yellow, and strips, my favorite.

Dorothy Lee

I almost forgot, my GPA is up to a 3.85.

see what I can accomplish in a week.

Oh, Hello There Agian

okay I'm back a day early,

but I've had the most wonderful day!
the past week and a half has been a hectic mess of school, orchestra, and home work, but now I have 5 days to enjoy the peaceful laziness of the holidays.
I'm feeling really productive and accomplished, so far today I've done all my laundry, finished reading The Chosen for school, drafted 2 skirt patterns, dusted vacuumed and organized my whole room, read the December issue of W, gone on a run with my dog, and finished my biology homework.

I'm going to laze about for the rest of the day and enjoy not being in Spanish class right now!
at 6 it's off my my friend Bayley's house to help her get ready for a party and the some crazy times with the group.
I am so excited for this party, because it will be the first time the whole group has gotten together since the end of summer.
I hope your day is just as good as mine is, I'm hoping I can get pictures of the skirts I'm making up here, I'll try.

oh an my This I Believe essay I was talking about a while ago is finished, and I will upload it as soon as I figure out how to upload a lone mp3 on to my blog.
if anyone knows please tell me. thank you!

self imposed week-long blogging fast

my grades in school suck,okay to be fair the don't suck but they aren't where I want them to be.
my goal of a 4.0 GPA for this semester isn't going to become true.
with about 3 weeks left in the semester there is no way I can get my Spanish grade up to an acceptable level, and no way I can get an A in English or Geometry.
that's 12 out of 27 credit hours that suck. agh I know I put too much pressure on my self, but I really want to graduate with at least a 3.8 GPA, and because my first semester isn't going to be that great, the little wiggle room that I had, is now wasted. with means I am going to have to take more AP classes Junior and Senior year.
sometimes I wish I went to the high school I was supposed to instead of applying out of district,
because honers classes there are weighted, so I would have over a 4.5 GPA if I went there, and probably higher because the academics at the school aren't as challenging as they are at the school I go to now.
I know learning is more important than grades, but when your too busy doing busy work than actually learning, its easy to forget.

I feel like this winter break will be the most relaxing break ever.
I truly cannot wait, but I'm dreading the end of the semester because that means my grades are set in stone.
agh I am so stressed, mostly because I never have time to get anything done.
I have decided this is because of my blogging, so I officially am taking a week long self imposed fast from blogging, I'll be back on Thanksgiving, the 27th of November for all those not celebrating the American Holiday commentating the Native Americans saving our asses which is a favor we return with genocide, and putting them on the shittiest pieces of land, so their culture can be "protected". agh sometimes my nationality makes me sick.

well anyway, good bye for a bit,
Yo voy estidiar espanol.
Hasta luego.

I Forgot Some

The Boy Called It
Five Quarters of the Orange
The Bible
The Bridge of San Luis Rey
The Namesake
Gathering Blue
The Life of Pi
Chasing Redbird
I am Will

books i need to read

Every thing is Illuminated
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Keeper of the Night
Thirteen Reasons Why
Before I Die
Impulse
The Lost Thing
Tweak
The Wednesday Letters
The Color Purple
Atonement
One Hundred Years of Solitude
The Lancelot Closes at Five
Great Expectations
Favorite Poems for Children

just a little list

chalkboard paint
mustard
pocket watch
breathing
mismatched
rings
wallpaper
oak
laundry
letters
alliteration
zipper
tie
paper clips
staples
orange
stories
resolutions
time
finials
screws
tables
safety pins
thread
camp

clothes, fabric, crafts, live music.
what more can you ask for in a store

Fancy Tiger

roses have more than thorns.

I was browsing through the shelves of Urban Outfitters clearance racks and in one bucket full of scarves, and wallets, I found a pare of jeans,
first I saw the price tag ($8.75),
then I saw the size (28 with a 33" inseam),
then I saw the fit (low rise flare).
then I tried them on,
it was too good to be true,
you can't even realize how much I've searched for the perfect pair of dark wash, slight flare jeans.
and they were only $8.75.
when I went to pay, I asked the guy to check the price first, because I wasn't really sure if this was actually happening.
it was, now I have a new pair of jeans, and I payed less than 15% of the original price, yay!

I had to pay for them in coins though,
because I have no paper money, and I was going to just go to the mall without any and window shop, but then at the last minute I decided to empty my piggy bank out.

I think it was meant to be, the jeans are a miracle.
because really what are the chances of the only pair of jeans in the clearance section, being my size, and the style that I want?

it was the best part of a wretched day, and truly made my day.

2.7

good things:
my sweater.
bagels.
reading.
running, literally sprinting to the burrito shop.

bad things:
district orchestra.
school.
tests.
homework.
biology lab.
being sick.
substitute teachers.
broken shoes.
pretty much every thing else.

today on a scale of 1-10 is a 2.7
agh, good night.

unmotivated.

"If you got hit in the head with that big black phone,

it'd knock you out cold and you'd die dead."

-little alters everywhere

for some reason i love this quote.

history.

my own parents today told me that I am more of a hippy than they ever were during the 60's.

and that I should do something to fix my "Janice Joplin" mane.

I told them I my hair is the fault of the genes they gave me.

then I looked at pictures of Joplin.
I like this one, she's younger here, and I love how she's standing, I really like her hair too.

it's just like mine, but brown.

gosh sometimes I really wish I was born in 1950, that would make me 18 in 1968, the perfect age in such a influential year.

some days I think the world got me and my mom's ages mixed up.

hmm I wonder if someday my kids will be wishing they lived in my time, you know, and saw the first black president get elected, or live through the changing of the millennium, or when mars was like super close.

I think that each generation has something that is such a great thing to live through, and even though crap stuff happened more often than not, that is the thing that people look back on and say.."wow I wish I was there"

and then the crap things too, like when I ask my parents how it was being in the air force at the end of Vietnam, and even though they never were in combat (my dad was a computer programmer, mom and office clerk) how terrible of a time that was. future generations will ask us about 9-11 and the war in Iraq, and what ever is going to happen in these next four years. and if there is another depression, then just like I asked my grandmother about how hard it was, people will ask me the same.
and this is why I love history, because its the thing that connects the generations, and even though completely different things happen to each generation, its still a cycle of good, and bad.
history repeats, and even if its not the events its everything else, it's the feelings, of wanting change or wanting stability, or anything else. just thinking about history makes me feel so much closer to everyone that has lived before me. and it makes me scared, because even if I don't do anything spectacular with my life, other people will and I will be responsible for keeping their stories going just because I was there, I witnessed what happened, and even more than that, I felt it, and I think history is nice and all but I care so much more about how people felt about the events than what actually happened. and I loath my history book because of this, because it makes it all black and white. but if no one felt strongly about anything then history wouldn't happen.

war and conflict is not all about land or power, it's about emotions. do you really think that there would be fighting in the middle east if there wasn't for conflicting feelings? no of course not, and that's why I think there is a great amount of pressure on each generation to remember what they felt about each thing, details can be forgotten, but how an event made people feel and the reactions to those feelings is the reason anything gets done, changes or stays the same.

I don't really no why I posted it, I was just going to post the Janice Joplin photo and end it there, but this rant just came out of me. I'll try to make since of it later, for now I am going to go do math homework, watch Smart People, and try to get sleep so I can feel better tomorrow.

iron-on interfacing=the best

I am sick.

for reals this time.

thrifting

when I go thrifting,
I look at the woman's dresses first,
then the skirts, then sweaters,
then I go to the table cloths/curtains/bed sheet section to check out if there are any amazing prints.
then it's off to the men's shirt section to check for the same thing,
then shoes, bags and jewelry.

I went thrifting after school today, and found an amazing light gray cashmere cardigan.
it's quite thick, and fits perfectly, wonderful.
I am going to change out the buttons though, to bright mismatched ones.

wishlist

I want a lace mini dress, with a Peter Pan collar and a large floppy bow.
in red and cream, please.

also a mustard yellow polyester backpack.
with matching mustard loafers.

I am chew your pencil like a stressed beaver,

stressed.

Alphabet Soup Day.

I have come to the conclusion that I eat too much soup.
it was cold today.
so during lunch I went to the store and bought a can of soup.
and a bowl.
then I warmed it up in the microwave.

on the way home I picked up some jumbo alphabet letters, and studied my Spanish vocabulary.
and made more soup.
yum.

I went to the library and got an arm full of books.
also some Cd's, I picked them because the album covers were cool.
I'll get back to you on the verdict.

A Different Perspective.

I've been seeing new meanings of every thing in my life.
things aren't changing, I am.

this gives me a bit of the willies, but I love it all the same.

this weekend was probably one of the most powerful times in my life, easily in the top 3.
I changed so much in just three days. I don't want to return to my old self. but i am scared of becoming something different, I guess the only thing to do is move in the direction that I'm facing.

hope you had as much fun as I did this weekend, hope you cried as many tears of joy, hope that part of you changed,
mostly because it is quite an intoxicating feeling.

:D :D :D

I am so very very happy at this moment.
oh mann I don't think I can even begin to tell you.
tomorrow I get to see my very best friends!
and then I have a church retreat all weekend!
and I wrote 3 drafts of this i believe essays.
and finished loads of homework.

things left to do tonight?
-study for Spanish
-study for biology
-finish filling in my math vocab sheets
-study for English vocab test
-laundry
-pack for this weekend
-alter a shirt so i can wear it tomorrow
-pack a lunch for tomorrow
-clean my room

I'm not going to get much sleep, but I'm so excited I probably wouldn't be able to if i tried.


P.S. my posts are a bit bipolar, sorry.

This I Believe.

I have to write a This I Believe essay for English.
my teacher say this will probably be the hardest piece of writing that we will do all year.
but I don't think it will be that hard to write,
just to turn in, to let my teacher, my classmates read.
that will be the hard part.
I find writing easier now that I have this blog. sharing things with my few readers is helping, breaking my shell a bit. hmmm...and you know what I thought of today? just for a millisecond, I thought maybe, I could be a English major in collage.
me, the person who dreaded writing and English before last year, when I found the healing affects of writing my memoir. and now this year, English is one of my favorite classes, easily in the top three.
History, Biology (I'd rather be in chem.) and then English.
I still think I will major in fashion design, or maybe chemical engineering.
I still have a couple years till I need to seriously think about this,
though some times it's quite difficult not to get caught up in collage planning, when basically it's being thrown at my every day at school.

oooookkkkay back to my essay.

This I Believe essays on NPR are just one of the things that make me love Mondays. I have always kinda wanted to write one, and now I have too,
everyone in my class had looks of pain, hatred, loathing when we got this assignment today.
but there I sat, in the back of the room, secretly formulating essays in my mind, secretly loving the assignment, knowing that I will probably write many essays, and when I turn one in, pretend that just like every one else, I wrote it the night before.

here is my essay topic brainstorm list:
-fashion, the power of creating, the impact
-sunrises
-memories
-little things are what matter, mini-m&m's.
-the need to hear three little words, i love you.
-that the best moments in life are not the ones we can explain.

I think that I am going to write about sunrises.
I think I need to explain this some more.
I believe in sunrise, I believe in the hope the bring, with each new day, a new start, I believe that the forgiveness that comes with sunrise, is what keeps us going.
you see each morning, I have to see the sunrise. watch light come to the world,the start of a new day.
I believe that with the sunrise the past is forgiven, if not forgotten.
that if I see the sunrise. the day has a chance of being great, fantastic,
not only is it a fresh start, clean slate, it is a miracle, the thought that every single day, the sun will shine, that pretty much no matter what, that is the constant in my life.
I believe that the constant of sunrises is the single greatest source of hope, inspiration in my life.
and because all of this I believe in sunrises.

does this make sense?

or I will write about fashion and the creating of clothes.
I can use the themes of this essay that I wrote part of before for English, but ended up not using.
opinions please.

also check out all the This I Believe essays here
there are more on NPR
you can listen to them being read by the authors on NPR.

soup day.

today was a potato soup day.
one of those days where you need some comfort food and sleep.
and maybe a good book.
and one of those days where you find yourself crying while you take a shower, and you don't know why.
but after your cry, you feel better.
and then you listen to sappy love songs, and wish that you had someone that you could stand beneath their window at 3am and serenade.
and then you feel better, not good, but better, and you make potato soup and lay on the leaf covered ground of your back yard eating it in large spoonfuls and drinking tea.
and you go to bed content with your life.
because maybe just doing things that are nice and comforting are all it takes to have a wonderful existence.
and because of this warm though and the hot potato soup in your tummy, there is a hit of a smile on your face.

salt

okay.
today was stress mania.
to the max. times 10.
now I have to go practice my violin before district orchestra rehearsal tonight.
and find something to wear.
agh. I've been in sweats all day.
I figure I might as well look decent, seeing as I'm not going to be playing so.

today was quite retched, but there were a lot of things that cheered my up after school.
so thank you universe, and the lovely Hilary of je vis je vois, for deciding to follow my blog.

P.S. I really don't know why I named this post salt. if you have a reason for me, please share.

P.S.S. this is my 51st post! yay
and that has lead me to believe that I post too much lameness. oh well, it's getting cooler,ish,right?

P.S.S.S. that's all, good day.

happiness runs in a circular motion.

I just had probably the best phone conversation ever.
it made me feel so much better.
I love best friends.
I cannot wait until Friday.
I'm going to see some of my favorite people in the world, and the I have a retreat all weekend.
yes!
and some awesome shopping in bolder.

now I must focus on homework, and essay preparation.
or else I might be grounded for the rest of my life.

goodnight everyone, or possibly good morning, good afternoon, whatever.

today pretty much really sucked.
yeah...I love this dress though.

I'm planning on making one like it for our winter formal.
with a different top part, buttons on the skirt and not in neon.
or maybe I will do it in neon. I never really wear bright colors, maybe I should shock all my school mates and start.

I decide I wanted a dress like this because of the tiered Tu-Tu I made for Halloween, and I just remembered having this picture in my inspiration picture folder on my computer.

I might make loads of skirts too, because my Tu-Tu took me a grand total of 4 minutes to make, so make in one that is fully closed won't take too much longer.
just make it a bit bigger, and add buttons to close it up, and keep the ribbon waist band.

okay I am going to go make a skirt, if it turns out good I'll post it.
and if it's as easy as I'm planning, instructions for DIY.

I have loads of homework tonight and have spent way to much time online. I want to skip school tomorrow. but I wont, because I am already screwwed enough from missing yesterday.

P.S. I don't quite remember where I got this picture, it might have been on NYLON's web site, but I am not really sure. if anyone knows I would love to at least credit the designer.

Todays Findings.

these really sick "drawings" are made of thread and pins.

more by Debbie Smyth

Music of the moment...

Tegan and Sara

they're so hackin awsome.

I am missing English right now
the only class I feel guilty about ditching.
at the beginning of the year I hated it,
dreaded it.
now it's one of my best classes.
I love English.
the teacher is cool.
and I rock the lit discussions.
today we are having a discussion.
about deeper parts of Fahrenheit 415.
not just on the symbols, or the themes, but deeper connections,
the connections you can find in every little word.
I like analysing things like this.
I don't want to be missing this dissuasion.
but I am "ill."

diseased.

I am at home sick.
but I'm not really sick, I just didn't want to take a math test.
this is the first time in my life I've ever dreaded math tests.
usually I ace them, but last one I took I got a C on.
my teacher is a bitch.
she makes me so angry.
she's reminds me of a leader of a high school clique.
everything she says is mean, in a happy mean nice way.
no wonder she teaches high school math.
she likes to spend time with people her own maturity level.
I hate her.
does she really expect us to like her when she's bouncing around in the front of the room teaching us all about triangles, and then yelling at us when no one cares because it's seven o'clock in the morning and we all hate her?
fuck, really?

I beleive in the goodness of people.
though somedays it is quite hard.

Doesn't the hooker from last night want her dress back?

Halloween was the shit.
best part of the night?
the boy wearing the skanky cheerleader costume, asking me what was in the water bottle that I was chugging.
and then telling me that my hippy flower girl costume was completely wrong because I wasn't tripping.

and oh boy was he attractive.



the re-creation of the village people the ended with a concussion was pretty spatacular too.