there are somethings, that I don't want to realize, I don't want to acknowledge that things are ending.
so I guess when things are done for real, I can look back on this and say, I knew it all along, I just refused to see it.
the phone call today told me a lot, pointed out a lot that I already knew.
but still I think I will ignore it for a bit longer, pretend, maybe it's a good thing,
I don't want to think about it.
gosh every day, I wish that I was 7 again.
that was such a good age.
that was when we were best friends, and before you moved, and before it started to end.
I guess we have to give ourselves credit for keeping it up for this long.
and strangely I'm not dreading this end, hopefully we'll meet up randomly in 10 years,
I'm looking forward to that reunion.
Friday, October 31
Thursday, October 30
No Snow
where I live, we have white Halloweens, more often that white Christmases, I've grown up basing my halloween costumes around winter coats and boots.
tomorrow, it's suppose to be in the high 70's.
I guess I don't need my snow proof, cold weather appropriate, ninja costume.
oh well.
have fun tomorrow everyone.
tomorrow, it's suppose to be in the high 70's.
I guess I don't need my snow proof, cold weather appropriate, ninja costume.
oh well.
have fun tomorrow everyone.
Wednesday, October 29
Bathroom Graffiti
"if I had one wish, I'd wish for a star or an inch, just a star or an inch, of all my own, for that, I would wish."
-the bathroom wall
-the bathroom wall
Ridicuolous.
I have an outrageous number of Halloween costumes for this year,
and I'm planning on wearing them all.
a Japanese princess, flower child, ballerina, ninja, little red riding hood, and a hobo.
3 down, and 3 to go.
does any on else have different costumes for every party, or am I absolutely insane?
and I'm planning on wearing them all.
a Japanese princess, flower child, ballerina, ninja, little red riding hood, and a hobo.
3 down, and 3 to go.
does any on else have different costumes for every party, or am I absolutely insane?
Monday, October 27
"Dear book, this is another day in my life. A life is like a book. A book is like a box. A box has six sides. Inside and outside, so, how do you get to what's inside? How do you get what's inside, out? Once upon a time, there lived a very pretty girl, who lived in a beautiful box, and everybody loved her." -Gia Caragni
Sunday, October 26
weekend update.
Though I'm sure this won't be as entertaining as Seth and Amy's I'll try. (by the way, congrats to Amy for having her baby)
on Friday I went to my school's play, Flowers for Algernon, and oh mannnn that play is depressing, my friend was the lead, so in pretty much every scene me and my friend Leah waved like mad to him, he didn't notice though. after the play I came home and work on homework, found a costume for a Halloween party, and went to bed.
on Saturday my school hosted a trick or treat street for kids with down syndrome so they can have a safe Halloween experience. my costume was a Japanese princess as i found a kimono in my basement. I was running the face painting station and had my lack of drawing ability on about 300 little kids faces, by the end I was just asking kids if they wanted, ghosts, spiders, or pumpkins, those were just about the only things I could handle. it was so much fun though, next year I'm going to decorate a room.
after that I came home and finished up my homework, finally got around to reading W magazine, and finished re-reading the kite-runner for school. wow I really love that book, there is so much pure emotion within it's pages, amazing.
I made dinner for my family, whole wheat pasta with goat cheese sauce and asparagus, and cheese stuffed pears. usually I just cook for myself being the only vegetarian in a family of hard core meat eaters, but tonight I decided to make enough for every one, they liked the pasta but I think I lost them on the pears, so I ended up eating 3 half's just so they wouldn't go to waste.
after dinner we all went to a concert for my sister's band (my family is very musical, both my brother and sister are in bands). it was a bluegrass folk concert so i wore a loose free people tank with light wash destroyed jeans, and vintage Greek sandals that my mom had from the seventy's., i'll try to get pictures of the outfit up soon.
my and my brother hung out with the bands and other people, while my parents sat and drank diet cokes. it was loads of fun. and hippie fashion central. this girl had a pretty much really ugly skirt on, but when she danced the movement was gorgeous, I want to find a way to invoke that movement in something prettier. there as also this guy in patchwork overalls, they were pretty sick. my hero of the night was this girl that had on a gorgeous blue and gray floral dress, I didn't get a good look at it because she was wearing her coat but there was this delicate lace around the hem, and the perfect amount of gathering and volume. when I complemented her on it, she told me that she found it that morning at a thrift store for $1.50. at that moment I wished that I was her. my sister also had this amazing bag that she got at goodwill for $2.99.
all the pot smoke, and the dreadlocks inspired my parents to give me the drug talk on the way home, me and the brother shared eye roles and silent laughter while we resisted to urge to ask them what they have tried. I mean really, you were in high school in the late 60's and you expect us to believe that you did nothing? or at least in collage, and mom, you moved to Greece when you were 20, I've seen the photo albums. so after they finished the hypocritical drug lecture, I told them that in psych I had just learned all about how drugs affect you, and have seen more anti-drug, just say no movies in the last month to last me a lifetime, so they shouldn't worry.
I went to bed as soon as we got home, at 2am. I wish they would have let me and my brother stay for the rest of the sets and hang with my sister, but that really was not going to happen, due to the many people that were clearly baked. at least I had a fun night out even with the parents within 20 feet of me. only a few more years till freedom!
Sunday has been pretty boring, I woke up at eleven, did homework for a bit then went to church and youth group.
I still have to do some reading for school but otherwise I'm done. yay!
good luck everybody on the coming week.
on Friday I went to my school's play, Flowers for Algernon, and oh mannnn that play is depressing, my friend was the lead, so in pretty much every scene me and my friend Leah waved like mad to him, he didn't notice though. after the play I came home and work on homework, found a costume for a Halloween party, and went to bed.
on Saturday my school hosted a trick or treat street for kids with down syndrome so they can have a safe Halloween experience. my costume was a Japanese princess as i found a kimono in my basement. I was running the face painting station and had my lack of drawing ability on about 300 little kids faces, by the end I was just asking kids if they wanted, ghosts, spiders, or pumpkins, those were just about the only things I could handle. it was so much fun though, next year I'm going to decorate a room.
after that I came home and finished up my homework, finally got around to reading W magazine, and finished re-reading the kite-runner for school. wow I really love that book, there is so much pure emotion within it's pages, amazing.
I made dinner for my family, whole wheat pasta with goat cheese sauce and asparagus, and cheese stuffed pears. usually I just cook for myself being the only vegetarian in a family of hard core meat eaters, but tonight I decided to make enough for every one, they liked the pasta but I think I lost them on the pears, so I ended up eating 3 half's just so they wouldn't go to waste.
after dinner we all went to a concert for my sister's band (my family is very musical, both my brother and sister are in bands). it was a bluegrass folk concert so i wore a loose free people tank with light wash destroyed jeans, and vintage Greek sandals that my mom had from the seventy's., i'll try to get pictures of the outfit up soon.
my and my brother hung out with the bands and other people, while my parents sat and drank diet cokes. it was loads of fun. and hippie fashion central. this girl had a pretty much really ugly skirt on, but when she danced the movement was gorgeous, I want to find a way to invoke that movement in something prettier. there as also this guy in patchwork overalls, they were pretty sick. my hero of the night was this girl that had on a gorgeous blue and gray floral dress, I didn't get a good look at it because she was wearing her coat but there was this delicate lace around the hem, and the perfect amount of gathering and volume. when I complemented her on it, she told me that she found it that morning at a thrift store for $1.50. at that moment I wished that I was her. my sister also had this amazing bag that she got at goodwill for $2.99.
all the pot smoke, and the dreadlocks inspired my parents to give me the drug talk on the way home, me and the brother shared eye roles and silent laughter while we resisted to urge to ask them what they have tried. I mean really, you were in high school in the late 60's and you expect us to believe that you did nothing? or at least in collage, and mom, you moved to Greece when you were 20, I've seen the photo albums. so after they finished the hypocritical drug lecture, I told them that in psych I had just learned all about how drugs affect you, and have seen more anti-drug, just say no movies in the last month to last me a lifetime, so they shouldn't worry.
I went to bed as soon as we got home, at 2am. I wish they would have let me and my brother stay for the rest of the sets and hang with my sister, but that really was not going to happen, due to the many people that were clearly baked. at least I had a fun night out even with the parents within 20 feet of me. only a few more years till freedom!
Sunday has been pretty boring, I woke up at eleven, did homework for a bit then went to church and youth group.
I still have to do some reading for school but otherwise I'm done. yay!
good luck everybody on the coming week.
Friday, October 24
26 Letters
I took a trip to a used bookstore today.
it made me feel a bit overwhelmed, what if the answers that we are looking for, are in the books that we never have the time to read? how do you decide witch books to chose, witch to cast away, how is that chose made, and what if we miss something.
I went in looking for a copy of clockwork orange, came out with 7 others.
but still I do not feel that is enough,
read any good books lately? please let me know.
it made me feel a bit overwhelmed, what if the answers that we are looking for, are in the books that we never have the time to read? how do you decide witch books to chose, witch to cast away, how is that chose made, and what if we miss something.
I went in looking for a copy of clockwork orange, came out with 7 others.
but still I do not feel that is enough,
read any good books lately? please let me know.
At a loss
Have you ever had the feeling that you have so much to say, so much, you just haven't figured it out quite yet?
I have so much on my mind, it's just stuck, I can't put anything into words, at least not the right ones.
I don't know, I need answers, inspiration, something.
I have so much on my mind, it's just stuck, I can't put anything into words, at least not the right ones.
I don't know, I need answers, inspiration, something.
Thursday, October 23
someday...
Sorry for the crap posts lately, I can't find a camera or memory card that functions properly so no pictures. and lately I haven't been able to focus on anything but school. life hasn't been the most fantastic right now, parental shit and such, but I'm not going to use this blog to complain that's one promise I've made.
but really I have nothing else to say so I am going to force myself to not post anything for the sake of posting,
I'll be back someday, maybe after the weekend, but right now that's looking like a long shot.
good night everyone, I'll blog sometime,
hopefully sooner rather than later.
but really I have nothing else to say so I am going to force myself to not post anything for the sake of posting,
I'll be back someday, maybe after the weekend, but right now that's looking like a long shot.
good night everyone, I'll blog sometime,
hopefully sooner rather than later.
Tuesday, October 21
beastly indeed.
This is my to-do list and time-table for the rest of tonight and tomorrow.
8:30-10:00 study for history test and write essay.
10:00-10:45 finish my Spanish essay.
10:45-11:00 take a break, make some tea, and read this weeks onion.
11:00-12:00 re-organize all of my binders
12:00-12:45 re-copy Monday's Spanish notes
12:45-1:00 revise history essay
1:00-1:15 pack lunch that i can eat in the library without the hawk of a librarian noticing.
1:15-1:45 figure out what to wear for pictures
1:45-1:50 put all school stuff in bag, pack a calculator, find $5 for play tickets.
1:50-2:00 extra time!
2:00-4:45 sleep.
4:45-5:10 go on a run, enjoy the quiet.
5:10-5:20 shower, wash hair.
5:20-6:00 make hair look half-way decent for picture re-takes.
6:00-6:15 don't forget the make up.
6:15-6:45 organize room.
6:45-7:00 leave for school, pick up some stuff at the grocery store.
7:00-7:10 meet with history teacher and have her look over my essay.
7:10-7:21 socialize with friends, make it to geometry on time.
7:21-8:20 geometry, last minute cramming for history test.
8:20-11:34 boring classes, lameness
11:34-11:40 go to bathroom and fix hair and make up.
11:40-12:14 get school picture retakes, pray the turn out better than the first ones, hope that this doesn't take all lunch so i still have time to go to the library and study for Spanish. oh and try to eat something.
12:14-2:16 survive the rest of the school day, and avoid taking naps during biology.
2:16-2:20 go to locker, grab text books, say bye to people, go out and wait for my mom.
***this is not really a typical day, just midterms. and a day where i have to put some effort into doing my hair,
but at the same time it is because i rarely get more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night. and always run at 4:45 in the morning. and i make list like these for every second of every day.
things to remember:
make up bag
brush
tooth brush
old school pictures
calculator
a coat
water bottle (and remember not to bring it to Spanish)
8:30-10:00 study for history test and write essay.
10:00-10:45 finish my Spanish essay.
10:45-11:00 take a break, make some tea, and read this weeks onion.
11:00-12:00 re-organize all of my binders
12:00-12:45 re-copy Monday's Spanish notes
12:45-1:00 revise history essay
1:00-1:15 pack lunch that i can eat in the library without the hawk of a librarian noticing.
1:15-1:45 figure out what to wear for pictures
1:45-1:50 put all school stuff in bag, pack a calculator, find $5 for play tickets.
1:50-2:00 extra time!
2:00-4:45 sleep.
4:45-5:10 go on a run, enjoy the quiet.
5:10-5:20 shower, wash hair.
5:20-6:00 make hair look half-way decent for picture re-takes.
6:00-6:15 don't forget the make up.
6:15-6:45 organize room.
6:45-7:00 leave for school, pick up some stuff at the grocery store.
7:00-7:10 meet with history teacher and have her look over my essay.
7:10-7:21 socialize with friends, make it to geometry on time.
7:21-8:20 geometry, last minute cramming for history test.
8:20-11:34 boring classes, lameness
11:34-11:40 go to bathroom and fix hair and make up.
11:40-12:14 get school picture retakes, pray the turn out better than the first ones, hope that this doesn't take all lunch so i still have time to go to the library and study for Spanish. oh and try to eat something.
12:14-2:16 survive the rest of the school day, and avoid taking naps during biology.
2:16-2:20 go to locker, grab text books, say bye to people, go out and wait for my mom.
***this is not really a typical day, just midterms. and a day where i have to put some effort into doing my hair,
but at the same time it is because i rarely get more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night. and always run at 4:45 in the morning. and i make list like these for every second of every day.
things to remember:
make up bag
brush
tooth brush
old school pictures
calculator
a coat
water bottle (and remember not to bring it to Spanish)
Monday, October 20
come, look, see.
i randomly clicked on the "next blog" button just to see what would come up.
and found this:
http://performanceonpaper.blogspot.com/
i kind of like it, some the pictures remind me of the Washington, DC editorial in the February 2008 issue of W (photographed by juergen teller) it's the rigidness of the models mostly.
and found this:
http://performanceonpaper.blogspot.com/
i kind of like it, some the pictures remind me of the Washington, DC editorial in the February 2008 issue of W (photographed by juergen teller) it's the rigidness of the models mostly.
Just an Introduction
There is magic in the process of turning a flat piece of fabric into a three dimensional piece of art. An intimacy in crafting each seam, dart, gather, every element of something so primitive yet powerful. There is something about fashion and the transformation that takes raw materials and molds them into something grater, unexpected. There is something about fashion, and even more, the basic art of crafting clothes that intrigues me. I can not quit put my finger on it, I don't quite know what it is, but there is something so fulfilling, satisfying that it has become more than an obsession. clothes and fashion are more than a way of expression, they are fundamental parts of life....
so starts my personal essay for English, but after this i am stuck. i have thought but i just can't seem to fit them in to sentences.
please help, tell me what you think, give suggestions.
anything would be greatly appreciated.
so starts my personal essay for English, but after this i am stuck. i have thought but i just can't seem to fit them in to sentences.
please help, tell me what you think, give suggestions.
anything would be greatly appreciated.
Sunday, October 19
Fall Break.
well my plan for the weekend didn't turn out so good. this is what really happened
Thursday:
nothing much
i slept and attempted some closet organization, but didn't get too far.
went to the library
i went to a corn maze and haunted house with bayley and her family.
came home at like 10:00 and fell asleep quite fast.
Friday:
i babysat a three year old kid for 4 hours.
dug for bugs, played chase and made a ridiculous amount of peanut butter sandwiches.
made $40, yay!
went out to eat with parentals and sister
got a hanging closet bar from the container store
went to Nordstrom Rack and got a adorable free people tank.
came home and organized my closet.
Saturday:
went on a long run and completely re-messed up my knees (i guess i didn't let them heal completely from when i killed the tendons last)
went to about a million and two garage sales with my mom
bought a trench coat and a vintage bolling bag.
also got a chair that I'm going to attempt to reupholster.
did some laundry and organized my closet.
took a nap from 3-8.
did math homework
went to bed (at 10)
Sunday:
got up at 12:30.
started to work on my biology project.
gave up and researched for my us history essay.
read the next chapter in my book for English.
and worked some more on my bio project.
so basically i accomplished nothing this weekend except for making money, then spending it, and catching up on the sleep i missed last week.
tonight I'm going to go to church and youth group, finish the million projects due tomorrow, cram for my psychology, history, and English tests. finish the review packet for math, and hopefully find some time to catch a bit of shut eye. though the sleep might have to happen during Spanish tomorrow, maybe I'll take a nap during lunch.
this week is going to be a beast, I'll try to get pictures up sometime but don't hold your breath.
Thursday:
nothing much
i slept and attempted some closet organization, but didn't get too far.
went to the library
i went to a corn maze and haunted house with bayley and her family.
came home at like 10:00 and fell asleep quite fast.
Friday:
i babysat a three year old kid for 4 hours.
dug for bugs, played chase and made a ridiculous amount of peanut butter sandwiches.
made $40, yay!
went out to eat with parentals and sister
got a hanging closet bar from the container store
went to Nordstrom Rack and got a adorable free people tank.
came home and organized my closet.
Saturday:
went on a long run and completely re-messed up my knees (i guess i didn't let them heal completely from when i killed the tendons last)
went to about a million and two garage sales with my mom
bought a trench coat and a vintage bolling bag.
also got a chair that I'm going to attempt to reupholster.
did some laundry and organized my closet.
took a nap from 3-8.
did math homework
went to bed (at 10)
Sunday:
got up at 12:30.
started to work on my biology project.
gave up and researched for my us history essay.
read the next chapter in my book for English.
and worked some more on my bio project.
so basically i accomplished nothing this weekend except for making money, then spending it, and catching up on the sleep i missed last week.
tonight I'm going to go to church and youth group, finish the million projects due tomorrow, cram for my psychology, history, and English tests. finish the review packet for math, and hopefully find some time to catch a bit of shut eye. though the sleep might have to happen during Spanish tomorrow, maybe I'll take a nap during lunch.
this week is going to be a beast, I'll try to get pictures up sometime but don't hold your breath.
Thursday, October 16
Playing Dress Up.
I played dress up today, me and my neighbor tryed on practically everything in both our closets, and then when to the mall, it was a blast. she regrets not taking pictures of us, we'll do it again soon and have pictures up. I was going to have her take pictures of things for me but we were having too much fun that I forgot.
I'm going to bed,
no school tomorrow! yay, some organization after today's adventures is in demand.
plan for Thursday:
go on a run
organize closet
do laundry
vacuum room
write a history essay
make a sweater pattern
make the sweater
find fabric and a pattern for a dress
watch movies with friends
go to sleep
Friday:
go on a run
Geometry homework
Biology lab report and project
study for History test
study for Psychology test
study for Spanish test and Spanish worksheets
English project
practice my violin
sleep over at bay's house
the rest of my weekends free after this, I'm giving up my computer for the next four days for every thing that's not school related so when I'm back hopefully I'll have pictures, cross your fingers.
I'm going to bed,
no school tomorrow! yay, some organization after today's adventures is in demand.
plan for Thursday:
go on a run
organize closet
do laundry
vacuum room
write a history essay
make a sweater pattern
make the sweater
find fabric and a pattern for a dress
watch movies with friends
go to sleep
Friday:
go on a run
Geometry homework
Biology lab report and project
study for History test
study for Psychology test
study for Spanish test and Spanish worksheets
English project
practice my violin
sleep over at bay's house
the rest of my weekends free after this, I'm giving up my computer for the next four days for every thing that's not school related so when I'm back hopefully I'll have pictures, cross your fingers.
Wednesday, October 15
Anthropology.
I went to anthropology today, and these are the clothes I fell in love with.
I can't afford any of them, but it's nice to dream, and I got loads of DIY inspiration.
Decisions.
I realized some things today.
1) I don't want to dye my hair dark brown anymore, I love the color like it is now.
2) I don't want to be a mega rich, famous fashion designer. I want to own a small business, with one or two stores, I want to have a small team working with me to produce designs. I don't want a line massed produced over seas. I want a line were I see each piece from start to end, finalize each piece, sew the tags in myself. I know that this way I'll never make any money, and that my employees will be making more than I am, but really I don't want it any other way.
3) I want to completely change my style, I feel like I dress so generically, so much like everyone else, that skinny jeans and flats have become my uniform, that with the occasional dressed mixed in that I'm just a wannabe fashionista. I want to do something so different. I want a signature style, but I want something flexible. right now I'm a a quest to find something that is me.
1) I don't want to dye my hair dark brown anymore, I love the color like it is now.
2) I don't want to be a mega rich, famous fashion designer. I want to own a small business, with one or two stores, I want to have a small team working with me to produce designs. I don't want a line massed produced over seas. I want a line were I see each piece from start to end, finalize each piece, sew the tags in myself. I know that this way I'll never make any money, and that my employees will be making more than I am, but really I don't want it any other way.
3) I want to completely change my style, I feel like I dress so generically, so much like everyone else, that skinny jeans and flats have become my uniform, that with the occasional dressed mixed in that I'm just a wannabe fashionista. I want to do something so different. I want a signature style, but I want something flexible. right now I'm a a quest to find something that is me.
Tuesday, October 14
letters
my friends have been doing this on their myspaces and stuff, writing letters to different friends and people in there lives, I'm not ready for everyone in my life to read these so I'm posting on here.
you were my best friend, I ruined it with you so long ago, I'm lazy and self centered, or those are my excesses for never reconnecting, I hope I can tell you that I still love you, that your still my best friend, but its been 5 years, 5 fucking years, I think it's too late. I hope it's not, I run past your house sometimes, I fight the urge to go and ring your bell, ask if you want to play, like we used to.
you're always going to be there for me, we have so much fun, you helped me through so much, just by being there, never asking questions, just letting me come over, hibernate in you house and rearrange your closet. I feel like part of you family, I mean I have my own tooth brush at your house, I love you! we don't hang out so much any more, but I don't fear losing you, we always find time. forever well make cakes, eat lucky charms, yell at each other till we just have to laugh, be amazing together, go on summer solstice camping trips in your back yard, plan each other's future, argue about the best movies, anything and everything, you'll be my best fiend forever and ever, or at least till we die, or kill each other, and then there's the (small) possibility that we'll just stop being friends.
I would never have called you my friend, your were my locker partner, the kid I've known since kindergarten, but now I now that you mean more to me than that, you mean so much. that year was hard, but looking back on it, I wouldn't have done it any differently, after spending 7 hours straight with you every day all year, we have so many stories and memories, I never see you anymore, but I know I could call you up and we would hang, just go to the park, do whatever, it doesn't matter with you. we haven't been locker partners in years but I'll always refer to you as that.
you, as a group, are the people I would give anything for, anything to see, I love you more than I could ever say, you are my "family", I didn't chose you, we came together by fate, and we all got along, my "big sisters" my friends. we have been through so much together, and in 6 years we'll do it all over again. hopefully I'll see you every summer till then. I don't know much about your lives outside of your summer skin, and sometimes it's hard to connect when I feel like you are different people. I'll never forget those weeks. never. I know you'll be there for me always, there's not a question that i can tell you anything, and you would do anything for me. the moments, each of the memories, are so special, I'll never forget any of you, thank you for the best weeks of my life, thank you for loving me, not judging, thank you for giving me hope, a reason. I love you guys!
your not my friends, I've never been close with you, and I get the felling that you hate me. I've started to spend lunch in the library instead of sitting with you. sometimes you'll hang out with me, but its for the same reasons I hang out with you, there's no one else around. we talk, laugh, but that's it, were acquaintances and nothing more than that, sometimes I wish I could be close with you guys, but you have such a passive aggressive nature that I just cant help but feel like an outsider.
I fell like your the only one that could understand me, what I'm going through, I mean you lived it. sometimes I feel like your deserting me, that your leaving me to fend for myself. I wouldn't ever ask you to stay, I know that this is harder for you than it is for me. I wouldn't want to hold you back. I'll never forget all the times that you have stood up for me. not only with them but every one else too. the times when you gave me advice, or were just there to talk to them when I had enough. we used to fight with each other by you've for for me countless times more.
one of my earliest memories of you is when you went to college, you packed your stuff, we loaded it in to your car, I only ever saw you when you came by for laundry, for birthdays, for Christmas. despite as never being close, I looked up to you more than anything, in kindergarten you were my hero, I remember bragging about you to my friends, I remember dancing with you to 90's music and being afraid of the vacuum sucking me up. I used to wake you up so you wouldn't be late for school. now it seems like your perfect, responsible, everything I'm not, yet you say you look up to me, and that is what keeps me from drowning in your shadow.
I didn't chose you, and we have never been that close. I used to wish that I could tell you anything, that we had a family like on 7th heaven. that dream's not working out too great. I don't blame you, you didn't mess her up to bad, she's a functional person, him though, he could use some love, you hurt him so much, and me too, by your words, those words cut deep, slice open old wounds right when the have begun to heal. you never told him congrats, never, he made it though, despite what you thought, he made it. me though, I still have time in this house, I need you to love me, when did you last say it? i don't remember it's been so long, I haven't heard those words in years, I almost say them sometimes, but the stick in my throat, I can't get my self to say them...maybe if you say them first. maybe this is what you think too, maybe your too scared to be vulnerable, maybe I need to take the first step. if there's anything you've given me is pride, and strength, maybe I'm too strong sometimes, too ridged, but I just don't want to disappoint.I love you though, more than life, it's a love I don't understand, a love mixed with empathy, I see more of my self in you guys than anyone else, and at times its scary. sometimes I hate you, for the way you raised us, but mostly I say thanks, because if I can survive this, you, then I can take on anything.
I can't stand you, I don't know why but I cant take you. maybe its the way you try too hard, you will do anything for friends, don't you see that's the thing that's preventing you from having any.
wow we have fun, I never know what you think of me, I never get too attached, I used to be so envious of you, I used to want to be you, I can't say that I still don't want parts of your life, it's just I think I fit better in to my own. I still remember the first time I saw you in 6th grade, I know exactly what you were wearing, I wanted your outfit for mine, you were perfect, we became friends fast, stupid jokes and laughter, you never seem to really care, and that's what I love about you. we spend loads of time together and can convince people were sisters, we sit next to each other all the time because of our last names. even if it's by first name we still manage to be right by each other. you're a constant in my life, always there, in the same classes, we do the same stuff, but it never gets old. I've reached the point with you that it doesn't matter if we agree, or that I look "cool" to you, it's just like whatever. you don't seem to pretend, and that's what I admire about you.
it's awkward seeing you now, I wonder if you think about it still, I wonder if you think about if I'm thinking about it. we haven't spoken in years, even though we live 2 houses away. you were one of my first friends, my first "boyfriend", if you could have called it that. those days were fun, but now they're a distant memory, I think I want to keep it that way.
remember that time, before we could understand each other, when we played with play dough, and mixed all the colors to make a chocolate cake? i don't know how but we communicated enough that you promised to teach me polish as soon as you learned English. i haven't learned yet but we'll get around to it. i haven't always liked you, you were annoying, but you are like my sister now, i love you neighborino.
you were the good out of a bad situation, I lost friends forever, but then got you, we were such an odd pair when I first walked across the street to hang with you, in my bright orange hoodie, we blew bubbles, that was fun. now you are one of my greatest heroes, you've been through so much, sometimes I think that you should be older than me, you certainly act like it. you've never cared about how people see you either, you cut your hair and it was instantly cool. we go on so many adventures together. you take such amazing pictures, we can argue politics, music, fashion all day and then just end up laughing and walking to the grocery store. Neighborino dos, I love you!
you have more compassion that anyone I've ever met. I barely know you yet you love me like a daughter, I would never know how to tell you this, but you mean so much to me.
I don't know any thing about you anymore, a smile, a wave, that's all. we used to be great friends, I guess we've been growing apart the last year or so, I knew, I just didn't want to see it, I miss you. sometimes you make me mad though, the way you have the need to tell me that your mom took you on a major shopping spree to get all new clothes, the way you can brag. I love you none the less, let's be friends still, I think there's a hope.
I think you know more about me than i would like you to, I don't really trust you, I'm scared that you have me all figured out, that you know. I lost it in front of you that one time, and I fear that's all it takes to know my problems, you saw me, a glimpse of my non-perfect life, and I wish that you didn't. you have such an ego though, but care so much, I don't know about you. I think your hiding things too, and I hope you wont judge me.
there's so much I don't know how to say it to you.
I saw you once, I don't know you, but that smile, made my day, when you helped me pick up the things i couldn't carry, it showed me that good people are out there, gave me the inspiration do go out of my way to help someone else. its a cycle, and thanks for keeping it going.
you were my best friend, I ruined it with you so long ago, I'm lazy and self centered, or those are my excesses for never reconnecting, I hope I can tell you that I still love you, that your still my best friend, but its been 5 years, 5 fucking years, I think it's too late. I hope it's not, I run past your house sometimes, I fight the urge to go and ring your bell, ask if you want to play, like we used to.
you're always going to be there for me, we have so much fun, you helped me through so much, just by being there, never asking questions, just letting me come over, hibernate in you house and rearrange your closet. I feel like part of you family, I mean I have my own tooth brush at your house, I love you! we don't hang out so much any more, but I don't fear losing you, we always find time. forever well make cakes, eat lucky charms, yell at each other till we just have to laugh, be amazing together, go on summer solstice camping trips in your back yard, plan each other's future, argue about the best movies, anything and everything, you'll be my best fiend forever and ever, or at least till we die, or kill each other, and then there's the (small) possibility that we'll just stop being friends.
I would never have called you my friend, your were my locker partner, the kid I've known since kindergarten, but now I now that you mean more to me than that, you mean so much. that year was hard, but looking back on it, I wouldn't have done it any differently, after spending 7 hours straight with you every day all year, we have so many stories and memories, I never see you anymore, but I know I could call you up and we would hang, just go to the park, do whatever, it doesn't matter with you. we haven't been locker partners in years but I'll always refer to you as that.
you, as a group, are the people I would give anything for, anything to see, I love you more than I could ever say, you are my "family", I didn't chose you, we came together by fate, and we all got along, my "big sisters" my friends. we have been through so much together, and in 6 years we'll do it all over again. hopefully I'll see you every summer till then. I don't know much about your lives outside of your summer skin, and sometimes it's hard to connect when I feel like you are different people. I'll never forget those weeks. never. I know you'll be there for me always, there's not a question that i can tell you anything, and you would do anything for me. the moments, each of the memories, are so special, I'll never forget any of you, thank you for the best weeks of my life, thank you for loving me, not judging, thank you for giving me hope, a reason. I love you guys!
your not my friends, I've never been close with you, and I get the felling that you hate me. I've started to spend lunch in the library instead of sitting with you. sometimes you'll hang out with me, but its for the same reasons I hang out with you, there's no one else around. we talk, laugh, but that's it, were acquaintances and nothing more than that, sometimes I wish I could be close with you guys, but you have such a passive aggressive nature that I just cant help but feel like an outsider.
I fell like your the only one that could understand me, what I'm going through, I mean you lived it. sometimes I feel like your deserting me, that your leaving me to fend for myself. I wouldn't ever ask you to stay, I know that this is harder for you than it is for me. I wouldn't want to hold you back. I'll never forget all the times that you have stood up for me. not only with them but every one else too. the times when you gave me advice, or were just there to talk to them when I had enough. we used to fight with each other by you've for for me countless times more.
one of my earliest memories of you is when you went to college, you packed your stuff, we loaded it in to your car, I only ever saw you when you came by for laundry, for birthdays, for Christmas. despite as never being close, I looked up to you more than anything, in kindergarten you were my hero, I remember bragging about you to my friends, I remember dancing with you to 90's music and being afraid of the vacuum sucking me up. I used to wake you up so you wouldn't be late for school. now it seems like your perfect, responsible, everything I'm not, yet you say you look up to me, and that is what keeps me from drowning in your shadow.
I didn't chose you, and we have never been that close. I used to wish that I could tell you anything, that we had a family like on 7th heaven. that dream's not working out too great. I don't blame you, you didn't mess her up to bad, she's a functional person, him though, he could use some love, you hurt him so much, and me too, by your words, those words cut deep, slice open old wounds right when the have begun to heal. you never told him congrats, never, he made it though, despite what you thought, he made it. me though, I still have time in this house, I need you to love me, when did you last say it? i don't remember it's been so long, I haven't heard those words in years, I almost say them sometimes, but the stick in my throat, I can't get my self to say them...maybe if you say them first. maybe this is what you think too, maybe your too scared to be vulnerable, maybe I need to take the first step. if there's anything you've given me is pride, and strength, maybe I'm too strong sometimes, too ridged, but I just don't want to disappoint.I love you though, more than life, it's a love I don't understand, a love mixed with empathy, I see more of my self in you guys than anyone else, and at times its scary. sometimes I hate you, for the way you raised us, but mostly I say thanks, because if I can survive this, you, then I can take on anything.
I can't stand you, I don't know why but I cant take you. maybe its the way you try too hard, you will do anything for friends, don't you see that's the thing that's preventing you from having any.
wow we have fun, I never know what you think of me, I never get too attached, I used to be so envious of you, I used to want to be you, I can't say that I still don't want parts of your life, it's just I think I fit better in to my own. I still remember the first time I saw you in 6th grade, I know exactly what you were wearing, I wanted your outfit for mine, you were perfect, we became friends fast, stupid jokes and laughter, you never seem to really care, and that's what I love about you. we spend loads of time together and can convince people were sisters, we sit next to each other all the time because of our last names. even if it's by first name we still manage to be right by each other. you're a constant in my life, always there, in the same classes, we do the same stuff, but it never gets old. I've reached the point with you that it doesn't matter if we agree, or that I look "cool" to you, it's just like whatever. you don't seem to pretend, and that's what I admire about you.
it's awkward seeing you now, I wonder if you think about it still, I wonder if you think about if I'm thinking about it. we haven't spoken in years, even though we live 2 houses away. you were one of my first friends, my first "boyfriend", if you could have called it that. those days were fun, but now they're a distant memory, I think I want to keep it that way.
remember that time, before we could understand each other, when we played with play dough, and mixed all the colors to make a chocolate cake? i don't know how but we communicated enough that you promised to teach me polish as soon as you learned English. i haven't learned yet but we'll get around to it. i haven't always liked you, you were annoying, but you are like my sister now, i love you neighborino.
you were the good out of a bad situation, I lost friends forever, but then got you, we were such an odd pair when I first walked across the street to hang with you, in my bright orange hoodie, we blew bubbles, that was fun. now you are one of my greatest heroes, you've been through so much, sometimes I think that you should be older than me, you certainly act like it. you've never cared about how people see you either, you cut your hair and it was instantly cool. we go on so many adventures together. you take such amazing pictures, we can argue politics, music, fashion all day and then just end up laughing and walking to the grocery store. Neighborino dos, I love you!
you have more compassion that anyone I've ever met. I barely know you yet you love me like a daughter, I would never know how to tell you this, but you mean so much to me.
I don't know any thing about you anymore, a smile, a wave, that's all. we used to be great friends, I guess we've been growing apart the last year or so, I knew, I just didn't want to see it, I miss you. sometimes you make me mad though, the way you have the need to tell me that your mom took you on a major shopping spree to get all new clothes, the way you can brag. I love you none the less, let's be friends still, I think there's a hope.
I think you know more about me than i would like you to, I don't really trust you, I'm scared that you have me all figured out, that you know. I lost it in front of you that one time, and I fear that's all it takes to know my problems, you saw me, a glimpse of my non-perfect life, and I wish that you didn't. you have such an ego though, but care so much, I don't know about you. I think your hiding things too, and I hope you wont judge me.
there's so much I don't know how to say it to you.
I saw you once, I don't know you, but that smile, made my day, when you helped me pick up the things i couldn't carry, it showed me that good people are out there, gave me the inspiration do go out of my way to help someone else. its a cycle, and thanks for keeping it going.
remeber when...
we hiked all day?
up mountains that we re-named,
ran out of water, walked till we couldn't feel anything,
anything but hope, happiness, pride.
remember when, after hiking all day,
we saw this?
this picture make me so sad, I miss those times so badly.
Monday, October 13
Channeling the 80's
The other day, my sister told me that if I was born 13 years before her instead of the other way around that I would have been her fashion hero in the 80's.
I think this is due to the fact that I wear skinnies and neon point toe flats way too much. and I was wearing a 80's inspired tee and a vintage velvet vest.
I need some new basics, and more tights, but I'm completely broke. and I'm going to spend money that I don't have by going out for chinese with friends tomorrow for lunch.
also I need ideas on how to wear my boyfriend khakis, I've had them forever and mostly just made them preppy staples by wearing them with cashmere sweaters.
I love this dress and since it's only $23 I think it might be my next purchase. I'm thinking about wearing it with grey tights and color block flats. it's simple and would be a perfect outfit for one of those days where it's just like "whatever".
it might be a bit short, it's 31 inches from sholder to hem, i'll have to try it on at forever21 instead of just buying in online.
I think this is due to the fact that I wear skinnies and neon point toe flats way too much. and I was wearing a 80's inspired tee and a vintage velvet vest.
I need some new basics, and more tights, but I'm completely broke. and I'm going to spend money that I don't have by going out for chinese with friends tomorrow for lunch.
also I need ideas on how to wear my boyfriend khakis, I've had them forever and mostly just made them preppy staples by wearing them with cashmere sweaters.
I love this dress and since it's only $23 I think it might be my next purchase. I'm thinking about wearing it with grey tights and color block flats. it's simple and would be a perfect outfit for one of those days where it's just like "whatever".
it might be a bit short, it's 31 inches from sholder to hem, i'll have to try it on at forever21 instead of just buying in online.
Sunday, October 12
Black Sharpie X's.
i went to a concert tonight.
the band that my brother is in: The Roysslin Band was playing.
also on the list: Nicholas Runkle, Ashley Thomas, Green Is Gold, Dream-Note, And Now Presenting…, Have You Seen Jordan?, BendtheSky.
check them out. some are a bit strange, all Colorado locals.
tonight i found a store that i might be in love with. Fancy Tiger, there is a craft store and a clothing store under that same name, they had some pretty sick fabric that i could see from the window. also they had drop spindles and wool, i'm trying to knit a hat with yarn that i spun my self but at this point i only have enough for a stripe so i'm on a quest for some nice wool to spin.
i think i'll try and go there as soon as i have some cash and check it out, maybe blow all my money. gosh i need a job.
the band that my brother is in: The Roysslin Band was playing.
also on the list: Nicholas Runkle, Ashley Thomas, Green Is Gold, Dream-Note, And Now Presenting…, Have You Seen Jordan?, BendtheSky.
check them out. some are a bit strange, all Colorado locals.
tonight i found a store that i might be in love with. Fancy Tiger, there is a craft store and a clothing store under that same name, they had some pretty sick fabric that i could see from the window. also they had drop spindles and wool, i'm trying to knit a hat with yarn that i spun my self but at this point i only have enough for a stripe so i'm on a quest for some nice wool to spin.
i think i'll try and go there as soon as i have some cash and check it out, maybe blow all my money. gosh i need a job.
Hypocrisy
my posts are always so short.
that bugs me.
says the blogger in a short post.
oh jeeb, my feet are really cold.
that bugs me.
says the blogger in a short post.
oh jeeb, my feet are really cold.
Saturday, October 11
i spill my heart..
I spill my heart out to the whole internet world, I tell you every thing I can't say.
I can tell perfict strangers everything, but I can't even let my parents know what I aspire to be.
in what ways does this make any sort of sence?
I cringe at the thougth of anyone I know reading this, and knowing it's me.
I can tell perfict strangers everything, but I can't even let my parents know what I aspire to be.
in what ways does this make any sort of sence?
I cringe at the thougth of anyone I know reading this, and knowing it's me.
My Wall. glass?
On Friday I got asked if I was okay because I looked like I just got terrible news,
that was when I thought I had my strong face on. truth is my world was crashing down.
Today I got asked by someone who didn't really know me, if I was a vegetarian.
the answer is yes.
I thought I was guarded, I thought I was hard to read, but now I feel transparent.
Why is it that the people I need to see me most, probably never will?
that was when I thought I had my strong face on. truth is my world was crashing down.
Today I got asked by someone who didn't really know me, if I was a vegetarian.
the answer is yes.
I thought I was guarded, I thought I was hard to read, but now I feel transparent.
Why is it that the people I need to see me most, probably never will?
Forgive, Regret, or Life is Yours to Miss.
oh how I wish I could live freely, not over analyze every situation, worry, plan.
oh how I wish I could just...live.
oh how I wish that I could follow my own mantra of shit happens, the sooner you get over it the less life you'll miss.
oh how I made all of these wishes just now, at 11:11, and then wished that I believed in wishes.
I feel so ready to start my life, yet I'm so afraid of how it will turn out.
current mood: stuck, scared, and strangely eager.
oh how I wish I could just...live.
oh how I wish that I could follow my own mantra of shit happens, the sooner you get over it the less life you'll miss.
oh how I made all of these wishes just now, at 11:11, and then wished that I believed in wishes.
I feel so ready to start my life, yet I'm so afraid of how it will turn out.
current mood: stuck, scared, and strangely eager.
Thursday, October 9
The Value of a Photograph.
What is a photo, can it replace a memory, make it stronger, does losing the photo weaken the thought?
I lost some pictures today, hundreds of pictures, pictures of the best days of my life, there gone, I'm worrying, will the memories disappear too?
it was a simple mistake, I left the SD card where my dog could get it, you see he likes to chew on small plastic things, I left it, remembering too late.
I didn't back up the photos either, another mistake, my computer wasn't cooperating, I just didn't have the time, excuses, excuses, they don't lessen the guilt.
regret, guilt, the worst emotions in the world.
will a simple mistake erase the memories, or can I hold on to them with out the photos.
the candid moments, the love caught in digital form, the priceless moments that can never be captured again, the way the sun hit the mountain perfectly, the proud looks on our faces, will we forget all this, because a silly mistake?
will I still remember how it felt to be on that mountain flying like an eagle without the picture to remind me.
I hope I can never forget.
I lost some pictures today, hundreds of pictures, pictures of the best days of my life, there gone, I'm worrying, will the memories disappear too?
it was a simple mistake, I left the SD card where my dog could get it, you see he likes to chew on small plastic things, I left it, remembering too late.
I didn't back up the photos either, another mistake, my computer wasn't cooperating, I just didn't have the time, excuses, excuses, they don't lessen the guilt.
regret, guilt, the worst emotions in the world.
will a simple mistake erase the memories, or can I hold on to them with out the photos.
the candid moments, the love caught in digital form, the priceless moments that can never be captured again, the way the sun hit the mountain perfectly, the proud looks on our faces, will we forget all this, because a silly mistake?
will I still remember how it felt to be on that mountain flying like an eagle without the picture to remind me.
I hope I can never forget.
Wednesday, October 8
A Retched Story?
okay I got Cosmo girl in the mail today (horrible mag, I know, its my guilty pleasure) I wasn't able to look at it till just now due to a serious of of unfortunate circumstances, but finally I am able to read it. I slowly skim page-by page, till I get to page 10, the editors letter, it's then that I pretty much lose it and run to the computer and start blogging.
before I get to the contents of page 10 I have to tell you a bit about my homecoming dress.
I decided to make my dress after finding some amazing teal silk with a large graphic floral print.
I found this fabric at Denver Fabrics, the place to go if your ever looking for any type of fabric and you happen to be in the Denver metro area of Colorado, USA. like really you can find every thing there.
okay back to my dress, I make my homecoming dress and wear it to homecoming thinking that there won't be (or at least that I will see) anyone else wearing any thing like it, ever. well there wasn't at homecoming, but today I learned something about Denver fabrics, and Susan the editor of Cosmo girl, or at lest the fabric manufacture that the company that made her shirt uses.
my dress, and her shirt are made out of the very same fabric. The very same. Which tells me that Denver fabrics is buying directly from the manufacturers, and is buying the overstocks and ends. so this means that about the same time that Denver fabrics has something and I am able to make something out of it, clothes made out of it are showing up in stores.
I think this makes me look like a lame copy cat.
aghhhh.
I guess I'll have to be more careful next time.
pictures of my dress and the shirt up tomorrow, definitely.
before I get to the contents of page 10 I have to tell you a bit about my homecoming dress.
I decided to make my dress after finding some amazing teal silk with a large graphic floral print.
I found this fabric at Denver Fabrics, the place to go if your ever looking for any type of fabric and you happen to be in the Denver metro area of Colorado, USA. like really you can find every thing there.
okay back to my dress, I make my homecoming dress and wear it to homecoming thinking that there won't be (or at least that I will see) anyone else wearing any thing like it, ever. well there wasn't at homecoming, but today I learned something about Denver fabrics, and Susan the editor of Cosmo girl, or at lest the fabric manufacture that the company that made her shirt uses.
my dress, and her shirt are made out of the very same fabric. The very same. Which tells me that Denver fabrics is buying directly from the manufacturers, and is buying the overstocks and ends. so this means that about the same time that Denver fabrics has something and I am able to make something out of it, clothes made out of it are showing up in stores.
I think this makes me look like a lame copy cat.
aghhhh.
I guess I'll have to be more careful next time.
pictures of my dress and the shirt up tomorrow, definitely.
Finaly Cold Enough
Finally, Finally, its starting to get colder,
cold enough to wear massive, chunky sweaters with stovepipe jeans, corduroys and tailored pea coats, dresses over opaque tights. long sleeve tees with scarves, vests and tunics, and what I'm most looking forward to...
it's finally getting cold enough to wear dark dim colors with out looking like a sore thumb in a see of brights.
This fall I'm planning on playing with proportions and draping loads.
I can't wait for the temperature to stay below 50 all day.
please hold off on the snow though mother nature, atleast untill I have found some boots.
cold enough to wear massive, chunky sweaters with stovepipe jeans, corduroys and tailored pea coats, dresses over opaque tights. long sleeve tees with scarves, vests and tunics, and what I'm most looking forward to...
it's finally getting cold enough to wear dark dim colors with out looking like a sore thumb in a see of brights.
This fall I'm planning on playing with proportions and draping loads.
I can't wait for the temperature to stay below 50 all day.
please hold off on the snow though mother nature, atleast untill I have found some boots.
Inspiration and Plans.
I took a trip to my favorite store today,Denver Fabrics.
I found my love, this pattern.
I'm thinking that I'm going to make the shirt
(I love the detailing of the tabs on the sleeves, but it's a bit hard to see)
out of a massive abstract flower print knit that I found in my mom's sewing room.
or I might use the fabric for a high waisted skirt.
my head is spinning.
my head is spinning.
I also found some sweater knit in the bargain by the pound bins ($1.50) and still deciding if I want a cardigan or a vest, there's enough fabric to make both, but really? a vest AND cardigan out of the same fabric? lame!
I am in the middle of renovating a dress that I got from forever 21 that has a serious case of buyers remorse.
hopefully it will be a bit more wearable after I'm done.
Pictures of the fabric and "before" dress up soon, I'll need input.
also I'll get up pictures of the things I made in the last month, pinkie swear.
sorry this post is lame and rambling, but I'm excited!
Monday, October 6
Name Change
I want to change the spelling of my name.
to the irish spelling.
maria, instead of the mariah it is now.
so what if people pronouce it wrong, i can correct them.
to the irish spelling.
maria, instead of the mariah it is now.
so what if people pronouce it wrong, i can correct them.
Monday
Monday is my favorite day of the week, really it is.
Monday is the one day of the week where I feel ready to take on the world, I'm rested, or at least have gotten a bit of sleep over the weekend, have some of my homework done, and am all around in a good mood.
today was not so great though,
The pessimist in me would take that as a sign and write the whole week off as crap before it even happens. luckily, overall I'm probably one of the most optimistic people you'll met, so i figure that it can't really get much worse, i mean, a broken toe, a C on a Spanish quiz and B's on math and science tests (yes really B's make me stressed), and after the nice guilt trips from my mom about how busy her life is, the day kind of sucked, but I think that really this week is not that hard to improve on. If the throbbing and swelling of my toe would stop and the blood stain would come off of my sandal, i would be in a ridiculously good mood.
and if I get all my homework done, that would be a plus.
Monday is the one day of the week where I feel ready to take on the world, I'm rested, or at least have gotten a bit of sleep over the weekend, have some of my homework done, and am all around in a good mood.
today was not so great though,
The pessimist in me would take that as a sign and write the whole week off as crap before it even happens. luckily, overall I'm probably one of the most optimistic people you'll met, so i figure that it can't really get much worse, i mean, a broken toe, a C on a Spanish quiz and B's on math and science tests (yes really B's make me stressed), and after the nice guilt trips from my mom about how busy her life is, the day kind of sucked, but I think that really this week is not that hard to improve on. If the throbbing and swelling of my toe would stop and the blood stain would come off of my sandal, i would be in a ridiculously good mood.
and if I get all my homework done, that would be a plus.
Sunday, October 5
Mood Swing
I have realized,
I am really happy right now,
and don't remember why I was down earlier.
and now I am going to have a life outside my blog.
maybe get around to some homework.
I am really happy right now,
and don't remember why I was down earlier.
and now I am going to have a life outside my blog.
maybe get around to some homework.
Mononucleosis
Some of my friends have mono...I'm tempted to try and come down with it myself.
I know, it will cause more harm than I can handle.
but boy, is it tempting.
I know, it will cause more harm than I can handle.
but boy, is it tempting.
6th of the Day, 5th of October
I have realized how little i can manage to get done in a day, especially when I have so much to do.
I want to become a vegetable for a while, do nothing, and not show up for school.
but that can not happen anytime soon.
and not at all this week.
I feel a major panic attack coming...sooner than I can handle...oh why do I put so much pressure on myself?
I'm becoming red bull dependent.
how long will it be till I can't take it anymore?
pretty soon, I think.
I want to become a vegetable for a while, do nothing, and not show up for school.
but that can not happen anytime soon.
and not at all this week.
I feel a major panic attack coming...sooner than I can handle...oh why do I put so much pressure on myself?
I'm becoming red bull dependent.
how long will it be till I can't take it anymore?
pretty soon, I think.
lack of...
Some days I want to be a fashion designer, the passion for creating something, sewing something so basic yet powerful, so fundamental but ever changing as clothes, is so strong that I want to devote my life to it.
Others, fashion seems pointless, egotistical, and materialistic. Like maybe I could find something more worth while than designing overpriced clothes that serve no purpose other than to show style, status. With all the problems in the world shouldn't I be focused on fixing them instead of fashion?
Those days I want to become a scientist, or a special education teacher, or something that could make an impact not only on the world but on an individual. those days I question whether I want to be remembered for how I dress, what I make, or who I help?
those days I feel like I'm living a lie, I feel unmotivated, like a waste of space.
you only get one chance with life, I fear I might waste mine.
Others, fashion seems pointless, egotistical, and materialistic. Like maybe I could find something more worth while than designing overpriced clothes that serve no purpose other than to show style, status. With all the problems in the world shouldn't I be focused on fixing them instead of fashion?
Those days I want to become a scientist, or a special education teacher, or something that could make an impact not only on the world but on an individual. those days I question whether I want to be remembered for how I dress, what I make, or who I help?
those days I feel like I'm living a lie, I feel unmotivated, like a waste of space.
you only get one chance with life, I fear I might waste mine.
lightrail
I love riding light rail sitting so I'm looking backwards.
Seeing the world fall away instead of rush closer.
Seeing the world fall away instead of rush closer.
swallowing feelings
I simile too much and cry when it’s too hard to feel.
Dream about lifetimes so far from mine.
Struggle to breath, the air is too heavy.
Waiting and wishing to get out of this place,
Do something with this life of mine.
Every second I’ve spent with you, has meant everything to me.
do you know who you are? I don't think I've told you.
we’ll make it through, treasure our battle scars.
There are times that hurt to remember, I miss them so much.
But I can't wait to have the chance to do it again, make memories, even more valuable.
do i miss the past, yes, do i fear the future, more. regrets? loads
would i trade this life for something Else? never.
why? hope.
Dream about lifetimes so far from mine.
Struggle to breath, the air is too heavy.
Waiting and wishing to get out of this place,
Do something with this life of mine.
Every second I’ve spent with you, has meant everything to me.
do you know who you are? I don't think I've told you.
we’ll make it through, treasure our battle scars.
There are times that hurt to remember, I miss them so much.
But I can't wait to have the chance to do it again, make memories, even more valuable.
do i miss the past, yes, do i fear the future, more. regrets? loads
would i trade this life for something Else? never.
why? hope.
relitive time
I've been thinking, what is time? a unit of measure I know. but how can it feel so different, go by so fast, tick so slowly. can we change it? affect it? or is it set, the one thing in my world set in stone. is it really the independent variable of life or dependent on something else? I don't know, I'm feeling philosophical, nostalgic, lonely, somethings i can't quite put my finger on. Can someone explain it, does it matter, do i care?
Friday, October 3
Stimulating the Economy
I went shopping today!
spent too much, but at least now I have cute shoes. got some brown peep toe sling backs and color block flats, also hit the Old Navy clearance rack and got some blue and white t-strap sandals to replace my flip-flops I've taken to wearing daily. also bought a black windbreaker, navy and white tunic, white tanks, and some charcoal gray tights. I still need to get some black opaque tights, because I loath leggings, they are gross, just wear real tights ladies, please.
I have loads of pictures that i need to get up, but without a camera at the moment it is difficult.
I'm sleepy so good night.
spent too much, but at least now I have cute shoes. got some brown peep toe sling backs and color block flats, also hit the Old Navy clearance rack and got some blue and white t-strap sandals to replace my flip-flops I've taken to wearing daily. also bought a black windbreaker, navy and white tunic, white tanks, and some charcoal gray tights. I still need to get some black opaque tights, because I loath leggings, they are gross, just wear real tights ladies, please.
I have loads of pictures that i need to get up, but without a camera at the moment it is difficult.
I'm sleepy so good night.
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